Well-- In comedy things are best in 3's...so God must have a sense of humor that kills!
My third blessing came at a very ironic time in my life. A time filled with confusion and when the strength of my family and marriage were being tested to the extremes. I could have never imagined how it would all turn out, but I wouldn't have wanted to ruin the ending like I do with books! All these stories I share are mearly stories in a lifelong tale that continues to write itself while we are busy living it everyday. Audree Elizabeth taught me that. She is of course named for Audrey Hepburn. Her middle name after my beautiful Grandma Jones. Another strong woman I was honored to be loved by and learn from. Audree is spelled differently to honor her french heritage and to fulfill my love of making my children spell out their name every time...cuz I do!
While Audree was a surprise, she is a blessing not the less. As every mother asks themselves the famous question after the first child I asked myself 'How will I have enough love for ANOTHER child?". I think we for moments just couldn't imagine how our hearts could possibly have enough love for another life and worry that it won't so we will have to divide up the love we currently are giving to our partners and other children. If you have two you already know that it happens! You love and then you love the next one just as much! So why did I still questioned it with the third? Silly hormones messing with a pregnant woman's emotions!
My pregnancy with Audree was insane. Having made it through a few bouts of cervical cancer...we all often wondered if my body could handle this one. It was at times stressful and bed rest and mommy having to sit still (which I don't do well), but we made it through. Then we made it past the due date. I was nesting pretty hard because we moved just 2 weeks before I was due. Actually driving across the country with both kids, both dogs, my mom, a moving truck, and a bun in the oven. Didn't even tell or ask the doctor cuz I knew the answer would be NO stay here until she is born. No way was daddy missing the birth of this baby and no way was I staying behind while he unpacked. So away we went. Only for the moving truck to nearly catch on fire due to bad breaks and get stuck at the Oregon border rest area. On my 30th birthday...which was on Labor Day! Where nothing lives...not cell reception...not hospitals...not auto parts stores...not a tow company...just a bathroom and grass to wander in. I thought for sure baby was coming that day. I was having contractions (not consistent), my back was killing me, and most importantly that would be the luck! I made it through...enjoyed my birthday dinner in a fly infested restaurant lovingly named The Redneck Cafe. I was with my mom and my family...I couldn't have asked for more!
Dru was a nick name I gave her while I was still pregnant. Nobody gets it but me...and I am okay with that. Sometimes I think her and I will always have a secret understanding that only her and I 'get'...I am okay with that too!
Anyhow Dru came late. I was so antsy and the new doctor wouldn't induce despite ALL the medical concerns...there were A LOT! Once my water actually broke she took her sweet ole' time. My labor would NOT start. I never had consistent contractions...and 20 mins before I delivered they told me it would be a few more hours and someone was going to come talk to me about a C-Section. WHAT! I don't want drugs and you think I want you to chop a baby out of me with...HELL NO! Thankfully she received her eviction notice and I had to 'hold her in' while we waited for the doctor that was told less than 5 minutes ago we had hours. Let me tell you men who are reading this...you CAN NOT hold a baby in. Just in the nick of time walks in my doctor (who was a resident doc), his attending doc, and an INTERN-- that had only been and INTERN doc for 15 minutes prior to walking in to deliver his first baby! He had a look of fear on his face similar to a man standing at the end of the barrel on a loaded shot gun. In his nervousness he was telling me over and over like a drill sergeant to 'get the baby out'! DUDE this is my THRID time...I got this! Was what I was thinking but what came out was 'YOU WANT IT OUT. THEN YOU GET IT OUT! OR SHUT UP!' My doctor said told me to 'calm down' to which I responds 'CALM HIM DOWN!'
About 30 seconds later he had delivered his first baby and I had delivered my third. Cord around her neck and he stayed calm and just handled like a pro. I think he will make a fine doc, but he may not end up an OB after that!
She was handed off quickly to the respiratory team in the room (yes, if you do the count there were about 9 people in the room. Dru made ten.). I heard her cry. Daddy cut the cord and took pictures. He had them uploaded onto FB before I breastfed her for the first time...what a world we live in today. What I recall the most was the few seconds they laid her on my tummy she twisted her little body and neck to look at me. Her expression seemed to say 'huh? that's what you look like' and all I could muster up was 'my beauty'! It was those brief seconds when that love I had carried for my other two girls grew bigger and the love for Audree flooded into completion. Mothers can do it...love them all so much...love them all the same. Fathers do too, they just don't have hormones making them worry about whether they will or won't...lol
When I finally held her it strangely didn't feel like the first time. Like she had always been here. Holding your third baby is amazing, mostly because you aren't a scared new mom wondering how it will work or how you will sleep or if it will all be okay. It's just peace. It's looking over at her father and catching eyes with a look that says 'yo! we got this'. The original look between new parents says 'holy fucking shit'. This time it was just different and just as nice. We were relaxed and confident and ready to go home.
Audree still gives the same look as she did the first time we 'met'. She is a tiny treasure in my army of girls. Smart and sensitive, yet confident and bold! She is a by the book child. Does nothing 'early' or 'late'...she is super observant like Grayce and super GO like Ava. Cuddly and wild. Brave and cautious. I can't describe the perfect blend of Grayce and Ava she is growing to be. Dru pays attention to what they are doing all the time and more now is putting into action what they do. I just know that she is going to have NO problem growing into her place as an individual in this group of Hollygirls!
I die for her expressions. So animated. So sincere.
I -- of course could go on and on about my babies. Today I won't. Now I have talked about them all as individuals. I am the luckiest mom. I strive to make them proud of me and let them know I am ALWAYS proud of them. I always will be win or lose.
I am here for them. I am living my dream! Oh yes it is hard from time to time. I am not so much seeking the illusive Hollywood dream of fame. I just wanted to work in tv and film. I do that. Granted I am a freelancer so it's hard sometimes, but in those times where I feel like giving up I can look at them and know that I am doing the right thing. They are taken care of and provided for by me. They are loved. My girls sacrifice nothing in order for me to be here... and Audree won't remember any of it...lol!
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Hey Hey Josephine...
Happy 4th of July!
Guess this is the most perfect day to talk about my little firecracker, Ava Jo! My second blue-eyed beauty is now 5 years old according to her birth certificate and 24 according to her attitude! My sweet Ava Josephine has been my biggest handful since the day she was born. AJ is stubborn and only she can hear the tick of her own clock. I remember my mid-wife came in on her day off to deliver my 2nd born on December 5th 2005, I wanted so badly for her to NOT be born on the 6th because it was the same day as my first marriage anniversary. December 5th 1997 was the day I graduated from Marine Corps boot camp so that seemed better in my head! I was induced with her on the 5th due to medical reasons and couldn't be happier. Now it was only fitting for Ava to arrive with a mid-wife who came in special for her arrival (I couldn't have done it with out Connie!) and to be just a few minutes after midnight ensuring she won the December 6th birthday battle! Her father and I were still trying to figure out middle names...only knowing we wanted to call her AJ (but we only do in typing). I wanted Ava Jones...because that is my grandfathers last name and seeing as though I would never have a boy I liked it! We only agreed on Ava Jolene ... my favorite song for a long time and it just sounded beautiful. Some how we ended up with Ava (yes, for the Hollywood beauty Ava Gardner!) Josephine. Her daddy wanted to help with the name choosing and at first I was like YUCK...not even a nice name...don't talk to me! (yeah not a good topic for a woman just an hour after natural childbirth) I woke up after a little rest...listened to why he liked it...listened to how he thought it was spelled "Joesafine"... sent him to the nurses station to get the baby name book... and as I looked at this tiny little beauty in my arms I whispered 'I love you more than words Ava Josephine' ... she made a small chirp and I cried--like a baby! I just knew that daddy had come up with something that was meant just for her!
Ava was our only 'planned' baby! We knew what we were up too...just didn't think we'd knock it out of the park on the first pitch! I found out I was pregnant on Easter 2005 and she was here before Christmas! That's Ava...never missing an opportunity for a gift giving holiday :) We enjoyed the fireworks show today. This is our first year going through all the holidays without their Daddy and the toll it is taking on us all. Which by the way didn't hit me until I got home this evening. Trying to figure out all day what was missing and why it seemed today couldn't get over fast enough. Not to say that it was not enjoyable as always watching the delight on their faces at each burst of firework, but even though we have been separated on and off for years we ALWAYS spent the holidays together in some sort of way. Knowing that it was best for the kids to be together. We made a promise to never let all that go no matter what. Well I guess that is a promise we have broken for now. I am hoping to give that back to Ava and them all, but most of all to Ava Jo. She is the middle baby and I think needs to know her place in this family more than the other two. Some how-- some way I know she will MAKE a place for herself in this world. It will be a very loud and explosive sort of forcing herself in way. Like a firework bursting amongst the stars in the night. Bigger, Louder, and Shining Brighter! She has been a force to be reckoned with since I first looked into her eyes.
Ava Jo was the only baby on my tummy straight after birth and straight to the breast as they cut the cord. She screamed in the car seat the WHOLE drive home from the hospital and every car ride thereafter. She was my sidekick--she breastfed the longest--she slept with me the longest--she was attached to my hip the longest--basically everything that Grayce was not is all that Ava came to be. I love them each for the different ways they make me a mother. Josephine, as Ava is most commonly called by me has tested every ounce of patience I have. For a time I was not allowed to call her Jo...then she told me 'Well, I am in trouble a lot. So I guess you can call me Jo, because that is my trouble name'. Well said Ava!
She wore a dress EVERY day from the time she was 2 until she was nearly 4 years old! It was a battle. Some days she would wear pajamas and jeans and a dress and a sandal and a tennis shoe...AT ONCE! I would just yell and yell trying to fight her out of it into something reasonable and that would match. Please JO let mommy brush your hair--NOOOOO! Getting her to eat was a battle she once told me 'If you EVER talk to me again like that I won't neber eber eat again'. WOW!Okay...
Ava Jo-101 MOM-0
Jo spent most of her 3rd year in time out and in tears. Her dad accused me of babying her (which I did) and then I think I went too tough for a bit. Until one morning we were about 20 mins late for preschool and Grayce Kinder--she sat in a ridiculous outfit not wanting to change her clothes. She had 5 layers of clothes, unmatching socks, and flip flops on. My patience was worn so thin I walked out to the front porch and just cried. I begged God to help me reason with her. I begged him for the strength to simply be her mother. And suddenly IT hit me. I stood up and walked inside looked at my sweet angel faced Ava Josephine and told her 'Grab your backpack. You better be president or save the rainforest someday!' In that moment I just knew God had made her a fighter, she fought for what she believed in and was not going to back down! I figured out it was now my job as her mother to teach her to use her powers for good not evil! I can just see her chained to a tree screaming that trees have feelings...or protesting in the nude to save a historical building!!! So everyday since then I have let her win most battles and am making sure that she knows the war she is fighting--because when the time comes she will not stop at defeat!
Everyday Ava reminds me of the strength inside of myself. The strength I gave to her. The strength my mother gave to me and the knowledge that her heart is bigger and her mind is wiser than my own--I just know she is meant for BIG things in a LOUD way. I pretty much believe that whatever Grayce conjures up...Ava will be clearing the way! What an amazing duo! What a lucky Mommy!
Diva Ava- I love you so much. My life is more interesting and honest with you in it. There is not a thing I would ever change about you and by God don't let anyone else change you either. Fight the good fight and love with all you got baby girl! Mama will let the world know your coming...yet somehow I know you will still stun the hell out of them! You are smarter than you let everyone believe...
I know that you encountered your first bullying battle with hate and racism this year. Mommy is so proud at your grace and strength in dealing with it all. You won in the end and I am glad that it all never took your spirit. I hope you remember that we are family...we stick together. We love those that may not love us and most of all we NEVER stop loving each other :)
Life's a dance...sometimes you lead...and sometimes you follow.
Guess this is the most perfect day to talk about my little firecracker, Ava Jo! My second blue-eyed beauty is now 5 years old according to her birth certificate and 24 according to her attitude! My sweet Ava Josephine has been my biggest handful since the day she was born. AJ is stubborn and only she can hear the tick of her own clock. I remember my mid-wife came in on her day off to deliver my 2nd born on December 5th 2005, I wanted so badly for her to NOT be born on the 6th because it was the same day as my first marriage anniversary. December 5th 1997 was the day I graduated from Marine Corps boot camp so that seemed better in my head! I was induced with her on the 5th due to medical reasons and couldn't be happier. Now it was only fitting for Ava to arrive with a mid-wife who came in special for her arrival (I couldn't have done it with out Connie!) and to be just a few minutes after midnight ensuring she won the December 6th birthday battle! Her father and I were still trying to figure out middle names...only knowing we wanted to call her AJ (but we only do in typing). I wanted Ava Jones...because that is my grandfathers last name and seeing as though I would never have a boy I liked it! We only agreed on Ava Jolene ... my favorite song for a long time and it just sounded beautiful. Some how we ended up with Ava (yes, for the Hollywood beauty Ava Gardner!) Josephine. Her daddy wanted to help with the name choosing and at first I was like YUCK...not even a nice name...don't talk to me! (yeah not a good topic for a woman just an hour after natural childbirth) I woke up after a little rest...listened to why he liked it...listened to how he thought it was spelled "Joesafine"... sent him to the nurses station to get the baby name book... and as I looked at this tiny little beauty in my arms I whispered 'I love you more than words Ava Josephine' ... she made a small chirp and I cried--like a baby! I just knew that daddy had come up with something that was meant just for her!
Ava was our only 'planned' baby! We knew what we were up too...just didn't think we'd knock it out of the park on the first pitch! I found out I was pregnant on Easter 2005 and she was here before Christmas! That's Ava...never missing an opportunity for a gift giving holiday :) We enjoyed the fireworks show today. This is our first year going through all the holidays without their Daddy and the toll it is taking on us all. Which by the way didn't hit me until I got home this evening. Trying to figure out all day what was missing and why it seemed today couldn't get over fast enough. Not to say that it was not enjoyable as always watching the delight on their faces at each burst of firework, but even though we have been separated on and off for years we ALWAYS spent the holidays together in some sort of way. Knowing that it was best for the kids to be together. We made a promise to never let all that go no matter what. Well I guess that is a promise we have broken for now. I am hoping to give that back to Ava and them all, but most of all to Ava Jo. She is the middle baby and I think needs to know her place in this family more than the other two. Some how-- some way I know she will MAKE a place for herself in this world. It will be a very loud and explosive sort of forcing herself in way. Like a firework bursting amongst the stars in the night. Bigger, Louder, and Shining Brighter! She has been a force to be reckoned with since I first looked into her eyes.
Ava Jo was the only baby on my tummy straight after birth and straight to the breast as they cut the cord. She screamed in the car seat the WHOLE drive home from the hospital and every car ride thereafter. She was my sidekick--she breastfed the longest--she slept with me the longest--she was attached to my hip the longest--basically everything that Grayce was not is all that Ava came to be. I love them each for the different ways they make me a mother. Josephine, as Ava is most commonly called by me has tested every ounce of patience I have. For a time I was not allowed to call her Jo...then she told me 'Well, I am in trouble a lot. So I guess you can call me Jo, because that is my trouble name'. Well said Ava!
She wore a dress EVERY day from the time she was 2 until she was nearly 4 years old! It was a battle. Some days she would wear pajamas and jeans and a dress and a sandal and a tennis shoe...AT ONCE! I would just yell and yell trying to fight her out of it into something reasonable and that would match. Please JO let mommy brush your hair--NOOOOO! Getting her to eat was a battle she once told me 'If you EVER talk to me again like that I won't neber eber eat again'. WOW!Okay...
Ava Jo-101 MOM-0
Jo spent most of her 3rd year in time out and in tears. Her dad accused me of babying her (which I did) and then I think I went too tough for a bit. Until one morning we were about 20 mins late for preschool and Grayce Kinder--she sat in a ridiculous outfit not wanting to change her clothes. She had 5 layers of clothes, unmatching socks, and flip flops on. My patience was worn so thin I walked out to the front porch and just cried. I begged God to help me reason with her. I begged him for the strength to simply be her mother. And suddenly IT hit me. I stood up and walked inside looked at my sweet angel faced Ava Josephine and told her 'Grab your backpack. You better be president or save the rainforest someday!' In that moment I just knew God had made her a fighter, she fought for what she believed in and was not going to back down! I figured out it was now my job as her mother to teach her to use her powers for good not evil! I can just see her chained to a tree screaming that trees have feelings...or protesting in the nude to save a historical building!!! So everyday since then I have let her win most battles and am making sure that she knows the war she is fighting--because when the time comes she will not stop at defeat!
Everyday Ava reminds me of the strength inside of myself. The strength I gave to her. The strength my mother gave to me and the knowledge that her heart is bigger and her mind is wiser than my own--I just know she is meant for BIG things in a LOUD way. I pretty much believe that whatever Grayce conjures up...Ava will be clearing the way! What an amazing duo! What a lucky Mommy!
Diva Ava- I love you so much. My life is more interesting and honest with you in it. There is not a thing I would ever change about you and by God don't let anyone else change you either. Fight the good fight and love with all you got baby girl! Mama will let the world know your coming...yet somehow I know you will still stun the hell out of them! You are smarter than you let everyone believe...
I know that you encountered your first bullying battle with hate and racism this year. Mommy is so proud at your grace and strength in dealing with it all. You won in the end and I am glad that it all never took your spirit. I hope you remember that we are family...we stick together. We love those that may not love us and most of all we NEVER stop loving each other :)
Life's a dance...sometimes you lead...and sometimes you follow.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
A Grayceful Blessing
Well, I promised a while back that I would give a special dedication to my Hollybabies and where each of them got their names and do a proper introduction for each of them. You all know them all ready. The fair skinned blonde beauties who call me Mommy! So I think I will just share a bit of how they individually challenge and surprise me on a daily basis. So today I want to talk about the eldest Hollygirl... Grayce Kathleen ... she has all the beauty and charm of her Hollywood namesake Grace Kelly of course. How could we not give a tribute to a Hollywood Princess turned a real life one. On a few occasions I was told I bared some resemblance to the Hollywood star. Grace had long been a named that I loved even before it was 'cool' again. Due to my expert precision in walking and marching was referred to as Grace many times growing up and in the Marine Corps. In some strange way I felt I was merely pre-determining the fate of her beauty and coordination. A name that could only make sense for my first born child. Only adding a Y to aggravate her years later and to aggravate the in-laws now :) Maybe not actually either...but just to make sure that this Grayce stood out among the many other Grace's in the world. Little did I realize then that she does not need my help in standing out at all.
Grayce changed my life. My first born...her gift to me was making me a mother. I never thought I would be a mom or have children of my own. I was told that several times by many different doctors. I had come to terms with the idea of not bearing my own children at a very young age. I remember sitting with her father listening to another doctor tell me the same thing again just two months before I found out I was pregnant. I remember friends buying books on adoption. I remember talking to my mother about going to see a specialist and maybe talking my next eldest sister into carrying a child for me with some borrowed sperm! I have to LOL at the thought of all of that now--THREE girls later!
I prayed to God that night after being discharged from the hospital asking him to reconsider me never having my own child. Now I must say I swear I heard 'This is God. I can't answer your prayer right now. If you leave a message I will get back to you when the time is right...BEEEEP'. So as you can see I had the understanding I was merely leaving a message. Nope! God was apparently screening all of his calls very carefully because according to my calculations we conceived Grayce that very next week or so.
I have to admit...I was not scared at all when I found out I was having a baby! Yes, there were many things to be scared about, yet for some reason I was just calm and at peace. I knew that what ever was about to happen was what was supposed to happen. Their dad on the other hand was not so sure. He looked so scared and did not speak to me for days, but he never left. He was right there silent and scared! I asked him to drive me home to my parents house 4 hours away and he did. I knew that my family would be about the only thing to shake him free from this state of shock. That weekend home my family surrounded us with the love and support that they always had with everything else that happened in my life. That weekend they looked at my then boyfriend and later husband as family...knowing that come what may they would owe the beauty of this grandchild partially to him. My Mom Kim was overjoyed at the idea of becoming a grandma and my dad well I am certain he just laughed at the payback I would be receiving for all the hell I put him through as a kid. Not an ounce of disappointment. Not a lecture. He just bought me a pit pass and took me to the dirt track to show me a good time before I got all fat! That was the most connected I had felt to all of my parents ever. My mother just hugged me and smiled often (again I am pretty sure it was inner laughter about payback she knew was coming) letting me know it would all be okay.
So many moments between then and now I worried our new little family wouldn't survive. Fear and faith somehow always work together one big circle. Usually ending with love. Grayce coming into my life was the moment that any of that could have ever made sense. Many years went by before I told anyone of my USC acceptance letter that came about the same day I found out I was pregnant. A young man stood before once asking me not to leave him for a bigger college long before a baby ever enter the picture, so I had already applied to one college and sat on the applications for the others. Figuring I would ride this out for one more year. Oh what a year that turned out to be :) I put a dream college on hold for love and I let it go of it all together for family. I would not change those choices for anything. I am always thankful of where I am today--no matter what day it happens to be!
All of this only comes to mind when thinking of Grayce, because she was the one that changed my life. Only for the better. Everyday she reminds me that I am doing a great job as her mother. Proof only by her kind and forgiving nature. She is strong and wiser than any other girl I know. I would love to take credit for her wisdom, but it really is just her way of watching observing and her compassion for others that makes her that way. She always has been an easy child. Yes, there was a short time of colic when she was a mess with acid reflux. Once we figured that out she just wanted to be left alone, until she needed something. She would just play on a blanket or in a bouncy chair and watch everything around her. So independent...but she loved to cuddle! She learned to pull herself up at 5 months and was crawling a few weeks later. She took her first steps at 7 months old, but decided not to start walking until 9 months old. When the day after Christmas after being so sick with pneumonia for a week, she stood up at Grandpa's house and ran off! I loved every minute of being her mother from day one. I still do.
Grayce will be a smarter and stronger woman than I ever could imagine myself being. She is a thinker. She is a dreamer. She is a doer. She is a seeker of knowledge. She observes everything... eventually drawing it out detail by detail. For those of you who don't know, Grayce could not talk in full sentences until she was almost 5 years old. She spent a year in speech therapy until she was able to perfect her words and thoughts. Until that point is was a unique language all of her own...mostly communicating through art. I asked her constantly to SHOW me what she was talking about...when is was something she couldn't find she would simply draw it out for me. Her skill at drawing the world around her amazes me. (I secretly hope she becomes an animator so I can get a glimpse into all the characters in her mind) Her attention to details and way of observing the world around her makes her a great artist. The one interest that has never faded is her love for drawing. I promise to post more art done by the little Graycie Kate.
Grayce Kathleen...named after my love of Hollywood and my lack of coordination. Getting her middle name from my late grandmother Mary Kathleen. Who herself was a strong woman and made a great impact on my life. Grandma Katie would have been proud of the young lady that carries her name now. I am proud of the young lady she has become. I feel more emotional writing about Grayce than I thought I would. Never knowing to the full extent of how my own child changed me for the better and took me on the more interesting route in the road of life. Being a mother was all I ever wanted to be...and Grayce made it all worth the wait and the worry.
My favorite Grayce memory so far is...
When she was young her father and I were preparing for our wedding day by taking some classes at church. He was assigned to pray with Grayce every night for a week. I believed whole heartedly that this journey with God was something he needed to discover for himself I stayed in the background as he went through confirmation classes. So I snuck down the hallway to hear them both struggling a little through The Lord's Prayer...he would whisper a line and she would try to form the words back to him. He says 'and give us this day our daily bread' and Grayce repeats back...'gimme a peamunt budder sammich'
We always relied on the Lord through many hard times, including now. Still today the girls and I say the Lord's Prayer before bedtime and each night the memories of her and her father sharing those prayer times and asking the Lord for a peanut butter sandwich makes me giggle.
Thank you my darling Grayce. May God continue to bless you in many ways :)
Grayce changed my life. My first born...her gift to me was making me a mother. I never thought I would be a mom or have children of my own. I was told that several times by many different doctors. I had come to terms with the idea of not bearing my own children at a very young age. I remember sitting with her father listening to another doctor tell me the same thing again just two months before I found out I was pregnant. I remember friends buying books on adoption. I remember talking to my mother about going to see a specialist and maybe talking my next eldest sister into carrying a child for me with some borrowed sperm! I have to LOL at the thought of all of that now--THREE girls later!
I prayed to God that night after being discharged from the hospital asking him to reconsider me never having my own child. Now I must say I swear I heard 'This is God. I can't answer your prayer right now. If you leave a message I will get back to you when the time is right...BEEEEP'. So as you can see I had the understanding I was merely leaving a message. Nope! God was apparently screening all of his calls very carefully because according to my calculations we conceived Grayce that very next week or so.
I have to admit...I was not scared at all when I found out I was having a baby! Yes, there were many things to be scared about, yet for some reason I was just calm and at peace. I knew that what ever was about to happen was what was supposed to happen. Their dad on the other hand was not so sure. He looked so scared and did not speak to me for days, but he never left. He was right there silent and scared! I asked him to drive me home to my parents house 4 hours away and he did. I knew that my family would be about the only thing to shake him free from this state of shock. That weekend home my family surrounded us with the love and support that they always had with everything else that happened in my life. That weekend they looked at my then boyfriend and later husband as family...knowing that come what may they would owe the beauty of this grandchild partially to him. My Mom Kim was overjoyed at the idea of becoming a grandma and my dad well I am certain he just laughed at the payback I would be receiving for all the hell I put him through as a kid. Not an ounce of disappointment. Not a lecture. He just bought me a pit pass and took me to the dirt track to show me a good time before I got all fat! That was the most connected I had felt to all of my parents ever. My mother just hugged me and smiled often (again I am pretty sure it was inner laughter about payback she knew was coming) letting me know it would all be okay.
So many moments between then and now I worried our new little family wouldn't survive. Fear and faith somehow always work together one big circle. Usually ending with love. Grayce coming into my life was the moment that any of that could have ever made sense. Many years went by before I told anyone of my USC acceptance letter that came about the same day I found out I was pregnant. A young man stood before once asking me not to leave him for a bigger college long before a baby ever enter the picture, so I had already applied to one college and sat on the applications for the others. Figuring I would ride this out for one more year. Oh what a year that turned out to be :) I put a dream college on hold for love and I let it go of it all together for family. I would not change those choices for anything. I am always thankful of where I am today--no matter what day it happens to be!
All of this only comes to mind when thinking of Grayce, because she was the one that changed my life. Only for the better. Everyday she reminds me that I am doing a great job as her mother. Proof only by her kind and forgiving nature. She is strong and wiser than any other girl I know. I would love to take credit for her wisdom, but it really is just her way of watching observing and her compassion for others that makes her that way. She always has been an easy child. Yes, there was a short time of colic when she was a mess with acid reflux. Once we figured that out she just wanted to be left alone, until she needed something. She would just play on a blanket or in a bouncy chair and watch everything around her. So independent...but she loved to cuddle! She learned to pull herself up at 5 months and was crawling a few weeks later. She took her first steps at 7 months old, but decided not to start walking until 9 months old. When the day after Christmas after being so sick with pneumonia for a week, she stood up at Grandpa's house and ran off! I loved every minute of being her mother from day one. I still do.
Grayce will be a smarter and stronger woman than I ever could imagine myself being. She is a thinker. She is a dreamer. She is a doer. She is a seeker of knowledge. She observes everything... eventually drawing it out detail by detail. For those of you who don't know, Grayce could not talk in full sentences until she was almost 5 years old. She spent a year in speech therapy until she was able to perfect her words and thoughts. Until that point is was a unique language all of her own...mostly communicating through art. I asked her constantly to SHOW me what she was talking about...when is was something she couldn't find she would simply draw it out for me. Her skill at drawing the world around her amazes me. (I secretly hope she becomes an animator so I can get a glimpse into all the characters in her mind) Her attention to details and way of observing the world around her makes her a great artist. The one interest that has never faded is her love for drawing. I promise to post more art done by the little Graycie Kate.
Grayce Kathleen...named after my love of Hollywood and my lack of coordination. Getting her middle name from my late grandmother Mary Kathleen. Who herself was a strong woman and made a great impact on my life. Grandma Katie would have been proud of the young lady that carries her name now. I am proud of the young lady she has become. I feel more emotional writing about Grayce than I thought I would. Never knowing to the full extent of how my own child changed me for the better and took me on the more interesting route in the road of life. Being a mother was all I ever wanted to be...and Grayce made it all worth the wait and the worry.
My favorite Grayce memory so far is...
When she was young her father and I were preparing for our wedding day by taking some classes at church. He was assigned to pray with Grayce every night for a week. I believed whole heartedly that this journey with God was something he needed to discover for himself I stayed in the background as he went through confirmation classes. So I snuck down the hallway to hear them both struggling a little through The Lord's Prayer...he would whisper a line and she would try to form the words back to him. He says 'and give us this day our daily bread' and Grayce repeats back...'gimme a peamunt budder sammich'
We always relied on the Lord through many hard times, including now. Still today the girls and I say the Lord's Prayer before bedtime and each night the memories of her and her father sharing those prayer times and asking the Lord for a peanut butter sandwich makes me giggle.
Thank you my darling Grayce. May God continue to bless you in many ways :)
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Random Appreciation
So YES I have not been blogging as much as I should or that I promised myself that I would when I FINALLY got off my hiney and started blogging! This has sat here unposted for two weeks...as I add only this sentence to tell you :) BUT trust me it is not because nothing has been going on...A LOT has been going on and I have been busy and not busy all at the same time. So hard to explain to people whom don't have children...YES I am busy all the time in your opinion! NO I really just have bouts of busy in my opinion. Everyday there are the same basic tasks. Feed everyone, cloth and bath everyone, homework, school pick ups and drop offs, sometimes work, laundry and blah blah blah.... MOST of the time I have help with those mundane tasks because Tim is here! So I nearly have the luxury of picking and choosing which chores to do each day...which I did before he got here as well. I would just take the day off from housekeeper from time to time. The girls and I are extremely lucky to have him here! His schedule is about to pick up especially as HollyBaby is getting bigger and now we are all in a routine and have mostly settled down since THE BIG upset last October, which left me fending for myself. The down side to having someone you trust fully with the kids...is that those people are rare...and when they are your friend too then it's harder to actually hang out with them. Tim and I are in that boat now. Our hang out time involves laundry and finding a babysitter is becoming more and more difficult.
On average I really don't 'go out' much...but when I do it seems to be in spurts and is accompanied with work attached. After working so many days...LONG production days...I usually just want to be a house mouse for sometime after it wraps. Catch up with the girlies and get my lovin' from them. Gentle reminders of why I am the luckiest mom on earth! Kisses and Love and Fighting Screaming Barbarians!!!! I love them! I truly love my life! I have had moments this last week where I doubted the turns my life was taking and moments where I didn't think my heart was going to survive. YET I am still loving...I am still living...and I am still a single Mommy to my beauties!
On average I really don't 'go out' much...but when I do it seems to be in spurts and is accompanied with work attached. After working so many days...LONG production days...I usually just want to be a house mouse for sometime after it wraps. Catch up with the girlies and get my lovin' from them. Gentle reminders of why I am the luckiest mom on earth! Kisses and Love and Fighting Screaming Barbarians!!!! I love them! I truly love my life! I have had moments this last week where I doubted the turns my life was taking and moments where I didn't think my heart was going to survive. YET I am still loving...I am still living...and I am still a single Mommy to my beauties!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
HollyMommy Day 2011
Mother's Day 2011...well it was good for me! AJ said "it was the most boring-est Mother's Day ever ever". So you know that it was great for Hollymommy! I woke to the smell of my steak and eggs Tim 'helped' the girls make for breakfast. I heard little whispers of them still finishing projects in the kitchen, so I just laid their and enjoyed the noise. When I cracked my eyes just a little bit I saw lil G running around in my Thanksgiving apron with the same look I get on my face when I am trying to cook for 5 people...and she just was cooking for one! AJ had probably given up on the idea of helping long before I stirred because she was sitting on my legs watching tv snacking on something, asking when HER breakfast would be ready. Hollybaby was just running around and climbing the tables, pretty sure Tim was nervous by this point at knowing I was taking the FULL day OFF and the girls were wired! The big girls couldn't wait to show me their surprises...and honestly I couldn't wait to open the questioners sent home from the school. In which I will post! --G said over and over just how much she loved to hang out with me and how I am fun! I will take it...hopefully that will last well into adulthood :) AJ's was premade by her teacher, but her handprint so tiny on the back brought a tear to my eye. I mean I see her hands everyday. I wipe those tiny little hands clean. I have smacked those tiny little hands away from danger. I have kissed boo boo after boo boo on those little fingers. YET for some reason seeing it permanently in ink on the back of this piece of paper really filled me with anxiety of her growing up and for a moment I flash forwarded to looking at this 10 even 20 years from now! I know I know! As mommies we really try to never EVER fast forward...but as mommies to girls we just can't help but wonder and hope that their hearts and lives will be stronger and better than our own when THEY become women.
Some days late at night I get WAY WAY over emotional and stop to ask myself and God "Am I doing this right?". Trust me it is not everyday that myself or God want to answer that question for fear of what the answer really may be on that day, but I get the answers in moments like Mother's Day morning and in the moments I watch my girlies make good and informed choices for themselves...even if the choice is drinking water over soda...I know it's because I taught them...and they paid attention and took it with them. I hope they know that I love them and I always will...No matter what they spill on the couch!
I guess all of this comes up now because for those of you who know my personal life you know that I am under attack as a mother from time to time. Not that I am 'getting' in trouble as a mother. But that their dad is not around often and the stress of his choices and his absence is sometimes taken out on me. There are other people whom question what I am doing and how it affects my ability to be a good mother and question choices I have made. Normally, I am an F* what people think or say...but these opinions I respect and look too when I am questioning myself. Needless to say I have done a lot of defending of my life! The biggest defense is my choice to live in the heart of Hollywood with three small girls in a small apartment! Well, that is simple! The choice was made as a temporary solution and while I have been living there a few months longer than planned I would say in NO WAY is it a permanent choice of a home. As far as my location...it's Hollywood...we are by far NOT the only family living here...or on my street...or in my building! Hollygirls love it there. Yes, sometimes there are requests to go back to our BIG FAT house in Portland area, but really what they miss is Daddy. I can't give them that house back, nor can I alone give them Daddy back.
YES! I have a blog dedicated to our time in Hollywood. YES! I tease that it smells like pee. YES! Parking is a SOB most nights of the week. YES! I have too many tickets to pay before my ass gets towed! YES! I will move...sooner than later. BUT...NO WAY will I allow anyone to tell me anymore that I am NOT a good mom because of my choice to be here with them. We have had a good time. We have grown as a house full of ladies. We have had fun together and I hope to still say that as I am moving out of that apartment and in those 10 or 20 years from now looking back on this time with them. Some of the most difficult times in my life have happened in this building/apartment. I have had my heart saved and broken to pieces here! I have taught a baby to walk and talk here! I have danced and sang with my girls here! I have argued and fought here! I have learned about me,about life, and about motherhood here! I am learning about the strength and character of the human spirit here! The girls are learning about their mother here! I pray that what they will take away from this is the love I have given them and the faith I have had in dreams. My dreams and their own.
So you have stuck with me this long--let me just give a big thanks to Tim for my Mother's Day and everyday that he is here to help me and the girls. He has his family back home that need him everyday, but he is here. Maybe because he believes in me? Maybe because he thinks I would fail alone? Maybe his love for the girls? Maybe his dedicated spirit? Maybe his own desires to follow his heart here in this town? OR quite possibly all of the above! Either way I am most appreciate of him and hope to repay him someday for all that he has given me...even when it's just been a nap!
Also, I know I have never named the HollyGirls for you. I think it is time to do that. There was no real intention behind that in the beginning. I do like my privacy and all, but you should know that in true HollyMommy style all of the lovely ladies are named after great Hollywood stars.And in strange ways have totally adapted to their namesakes and are very proud to be named after Hollywood royalty...but with a twist each time. Well, except AJ...can't really mess with the name that much...don't think I didn't try.
So the naming and stories of HollyBabies to come :) Sorry for the late post...I guess this one never went live!
Some days late at night I get WAY WAY over emotional and stop to ask myself and God "Am I doing this right?". Trust me it is not everyday that myself or God want to answer that question for fear of what the answer really may be on that day, but I get the answers in moments like Mother's Day morning and in the moments I watch my girlies make good and informed choices for themselves...even if the choice is drinking water over soda...I know it's because I taught them...and they paid attention and took it with them. I hope they know that I love them and I always will...No matter what they spill on the couch!
I guess all of this comes up now because for those of you who know my personal life you know that I am under attack as a mother from time to time. Not that I am 'getting' in trouble as a mother. But that their dad is not around often and the stress of his choices and his absence is sometimes taken out on me. There are other people whom question what I am doing and how it affects my ability to be a good mother and question choices I have made. Normally, I am an F* what people think or say...but these opinions I respect and look too when I am questioning myself. Needless to say I have done a lot of defending of my life! The biggest defense is my choice to live in the heart of Hollywood with three small girls in a small apartment! Well, that is simple! The choice was made as a temporary solution and while I have been living there a few months longer than planned I would say in NO WAY is it a permanent choice of a home. As far as my location...it's Hollywood...we are by far NOT the only family living here...or on my street...or in my building! Hollygirls love it there. Yes, sometimes there are requests to go back to our BIG FAT house in Portland area, but really what they miss is Daddy. I can't give them that house back, nor can I alone give them Daddy back.
YES! I have a blog dedicated to our time in Hollywood. YES! I tease that it smells like pee. YES! Parking is a SOB most nights of the week. YES! I have too many tickets to pay before my ass gets towed! YES! I will move...sooner than later. BUT...NO WAY will I allow anyone to tell me anymore that I am NOT a good mom because of my choice to be here with them. We have had a good time. We have grown as a house full of ladies. We have had fun together and I hope to still say that as I am moving out of that apartment and in those 10 or 20 years from now looking back on this time with them. Some of the most difficult times in my life have happened in this building/apartment. I have had my heart saved and broken to pieces here! I have taught a baby to walk and talk here! I have danced and sang with my girls here! I have argued and fought here! I have learned about me,about life, and about motherhood here! I am learning about the strength and character of the human spirit here! The girls are learning about their mother here! I pray that what they will take away from this is the love I have given them and the faith I have had in dreams. My dreams and their own.
So you have stuck with me this long--let me just give a big thanks to Tim for my Mother's Day and everyday that he is here to help me and the girls. He has his family back home that need him everyday, but he is here. Maybe because he believes in me? Maybe because he thinks I would fail alone? Maybe his love for the girls? Maybe his dedicated spirit? Maybe his own desires to follow his heart here in this town? OR quite possibly all of the above! Either way I am most appreciate of him and hope to repay him someday for all that he has given me...even when it's just been a nap!
Also, I know I have never named the HollyGirls for you. I think it is time to do that. There was no real intention behind that in the beginning. I do like my privacy and all, but you should know that in true HollyMommy style all of the lovely ladies are named after great Hollywood stars.And in strange ways have totally adapted to their namesakes and are very proud to be named after Hollywood royalty...but with a twist each time. Well, except AJ...can't really mess with the name that much...don't think I didn't try.
So the naming and stories of HollyBabies to come :) Sorry for the late post...I guess this one never went live!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Grammar Check Anyone?
WOWZA! I just read my last blog...so many grammar and punctuation errors! I decided that if it bothers you...ALL WELL! Not that I don't know how to proofread my own work or really should have some one do it for me before I put them up live. I just don't have time. My brain rarely functions with all cylinders firing anyway...then add the stress of working, mothering, and living the punctuation/grammar situation gets worse! So I must immediately be forgiven as soon as you find such a mistake and you will have to trust that a month later when I finally get to read through it and see all the mistakes I will be again too tired and unwilling to fix the errors. Also, don't discount that I could also just not have picked up on said errors at all. High school was a very long time ago and I didn't pay too much attention in college :)-
What a different month for me April has been. SLOW! No work. Not uber-happy about that financially, but I am trying to enjoy the down time with the kiddos. I just deleted a bunch of bitching...YOU'RE WELCOME FRIENDS :)
Shouldn't bitch about much. Life ain't half bad. Well most of it anyway. I live in the stress looking for work as a freelancer and dream of a permanent position at a busy production office, but until then I am gonna hold my head up and save my bitching for God's ears (well most of it anyway)!
I have filled my time wisely though! Lots of time with the Hollybabies. Volunteering at the school and thanks to one principal getting launched into the cat-fight of a PTG (Parent-Teacher Group) meeting. Parents who have been there for a long time doing things one way VS New parents who want things the right way...broadcast in ESPANOL! So basically I drank cold coffee and ate too many donuts! I had no idea this was all going on, I thought all was cool and I could just enjoy coffee while I waited to go to Mass with my special girl whom had her First Reconciliation that morning. These things made extra difficult with wiggly toddler in my arms! Meanwhile, SuperManny got to spend the day with the Pre-K thru 1st Grade on a field trip to the fire station! Trust me he had WAY more fun than I did that day.
Other than that I am planning and working on the agenda for a one week theatre/improv camp at the school that will end with a great performance by the kiddos.
We are all still enjoying our time at the YMCA. The HollyGirls LOVE karate! The excitement for them is almost funny. Now a certain 5 year old is waiting for someone to try to rob her on Hollywood Blvd so she can 'karate' them! LOL I love that they love it so much. I love that they know that all this exercise is keeping them fit and healthy. I despise the fact that all this working out is reminding me of how damn OLD I am these days. I am certain that a certain Marine from long ago would be disappointed in this crickety old woman crying from Mr. Adorable showing her how to USE the machines! Not even from a workout! Speaking of Cutie...he came right up to the stairclimber I was on today daydreaming of dates...what do I do? NOT look him in the eye and increase the rate of my steps to a pace that nearly killed me!!! I was barely holding on with AC/DC pushing me through. Tim had come over to talk to me and watched all of this take place...I love his even tone to just keep a straight face...and a secret! By the time Mr. Adorable said 'Hi. I didn't even notice it was you.' I was out of breath and dizzy...thinking...then WTH did I just do for the last 10 minutes if he didn't notice! I am just thankful I didn't pass out! Tim asked what my obsession is...I said it's just a crush and it's fun! BUT I am thinking this may make me stronger...or KILL ME! Is that not the saying?
Not too much is really going on at this moment. It's Spring Break for the girls! There is a lot I want to do with them during this time...today was LAZY day! Well aside from this evenings work out and classes. I think I am going to take some classes for cardio and to just get my ass off this couch. I have some editing I need to learn how to do...gotta figure out where my sound is for some of these interviews and need to get everything up on indiegogo.com ASAP! July is coming WAY faster than I could imagine! We are still on our winning streak at the student-cage matches...going for Sweet Sixteen this Friday.
I have so much more to write. But this post has been sitting around for days...so UP it goes. I will get better and more consistent at writing these. Miss you all.
What a different month for me April has been. SLOW! No work. Not uber-happy about that financially, but I am trying to enjoy the down time with the kiddos. I just deleted a bunch of bitching...YOU'RE WELCOME FRIENDS :)
Shouldn't bitch about much. Life ain't half bad. Well most of it anyway. I live in the stress looking for work as a freelancer and dream of a permanent position at a busy production office, but until then I am gonna hold my head up and save my bitching for God's ears (well most of it anyway)!
I have filled my time wisely though! Lots of time with the Hollybabies. Volunteering at the school and thanks to one principal getting launched into the cat-fight of a PTG (Parent-Teacher Group) meeting. Parents who have been there for a long time doing things one way VS New parents who want things the right way...broadcast in ESPANOL! So basically I drank cold coffee and ate too many donuts! I had no idea this was all going on, I thought all was cool and I could just enjoy coffee while I waited to go to Mass with my special girl whom had her First Reconciliation that morning. These things made extra difficult with wiggly toddler in my arms! Meanwhile, SuperManny got to spend the day with the Pre-K thru 1st Grade on a field trip to the fire station! Trust me he had WAY more fun than I did that day.
Other than that I am planning and working on the agenda for a one week theatre/improv camp at the school that will end with a great performance by the kiddos.
We are all still enjoying our time at the YMCA. The HollyGirls LOVE karate! The excitement for them is almost funny. Now a certain 5 year old is waiting for someone to try to rob her on Hollywood Blvd so she can 'karate' them! LOL I love that they love it so much. I love that they know that all this exercise is keeping them fit and healthy. I despise the fact that all this working out is reminding me of how damn OLD I am these days. I am certain that a certain Marine from long ago would be disappointed in this crickety old woman crying from Mr. Adorable showing her how to USE the machines! Not even from a workout! Speaking of Cutie...he came right up to the stairclimber I was on today daydreaming of dates...what do I do? NOT look him in the eye and increase the rate of my steps to a pace that nearly killed me!!! I was barely holding on with AC/DC pushing me through. Tim had come over to talk to me and watched all of this take place...I love his even tone to just keep a straight face...and a secret! By the time Mr. Adorable said 'Hi. I didn't even notice it was you.' I was out of breath and dizzy...thinking...then WTH did I just do for the last 10 minutes if he didn't notice! I am just thankful I didn't pass out! Tim asked what my obsession is...I said it's just a crush and it's fun! BUT I am thinking this may make me stronger...or KILL ME! Is that not the saying?
Not too much is really going on at this moment. It's Spring Break for the girls! There is a lot I want to do with them during this time...today was LAZY day! Well aside from this evenings work out and classes. I think I am going to take some classes for cardio and to just get my ass off this couch. I have some editing I need to learn how to do...gotta figure out where my sound is for some of these interviews and need to get everything up on indiegogo.com ASAP! July is coming WAY faster than I could imagine! We are still on our winning streak at the student-cage matches...going for Sweet Sixteen this Friday.
I have so much more to write. But this post has been sitting around for days...so UP it goes. I will get better and more consistent at writing these. Miss you all.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Y oh Y
Well---
March 2011 is over and I am left asking myself where it went? I am not really willing to accept how crazy, busy, wonderful and mostly life changing March really was for me and the girls. I worked so much...which is good and bad. This HollyMommy missed the heck outta my babies and vice-versa. It also provided many conversations with friends whom are not too happy with me right now. Many lessons learned about them and myself this month. Overall there are no complaints. Car purchased--check. Bills paid--check. Dream accomplished--nearly checked. Quality time spent with my babies-- check check. Mama tired--HELL DOUBLE YES CHECK.
Let's see to my busy work month we can add 1 web commercial shoot. 1 infomercial shoot. 1 Canadian TV shoot. 1 reality TV pilot shoot. And 1 short film teaser shoot. That made for a busy month. But mostly what I was working through is the ability to manage my time in a way that made me a productive production mother. Trying to balance the two is not without arguments and hurt feelings. Lesson learned...when your friends say "Of course I understand you are busy and don't have time to hang out. Put them kids first it's important." What they really mean is..."Of course I see how you don't have time for anyone else but me...WHAT? Oh you mean not me either? WTF?"
I must say it has been an overall crap experience. For as close as some of these friends are you would think that they would get that I am still trying to figure out where even 'I' fit into my life as a single mom! So no I am not sure where you fit in just yet. Maybe you don't! I am okay with that! Because I if nothing else know where my babies fit in...FIRST! Despite popular believe it's not to do with production work...it has to do with any mothers work! The job that never ends. Never gets vacation. Never gets old. Never predictable. Never NOT worth it! So why is it that I have gotten so much grief for trying to give them all of my spare time and newly free time? I am not so sure. I know that it is hard, BUT come on folks this is the most work I have had in a year. One month of not being able to take your call or hang out should make you proud of me...not deeming me an unworthy friend. Sucks to vent I know...but I needed to just get it out!
Onwards and upwards I guess. This last month I finally shot the teaser for 'Moving On', which is a short film I wrote years ago about 4 to be exact! I never really intended it to see the light of day...yet HERE WE GO! Making this short film has been a challenge. Mostly because I didn't want to produce it myself. I WROTE IT and I am ACTING IN IT...I wanted someone else to just take the reigns and produce the dang thing! Somehow that is similar to having the kids clean and organize their room and expect it to look like the Pottery Barn catalog you designed it after! Not gonna happen unless you DO IT YOURSELF! By myself I totally mean going back to my roots and doing it with the crew and talent I know I can rely on...my KC boys Ralph and Nick...forever known now as 'Team KC'! It took one phone call to Ralph to say 'Dude I wanna make this film...HELP!' With a response that was 'Aright Super Starr...can I bring Nick!?'. DUH of course. 3 weeks, 2 plane tickets and 3 cameras later they arrived to greet 'Team LA'...we had about 46 hours to shoot it the teaser and the interviews. I had some amazingly talented friends and fellow actors/improvisors come on bored. An amazing friend loan us his house as a shooting location and just did it KC style! We went rogue on Hollywood Blvd then to the ever so popular place to steal shots...Runyon Canyon! I spent 46 hours getting in and out of a wedding dress (mom said I'd only wear it once! HA) dragging a radio flyer wagon (that my awesome friend hunted down and rented) filled with wedding cake (that every dog at Runyon took a bite of), beer bottles (that we drank during prep), and champagne! It was a fun time. I totally remembered why the f*ck I go through this crazy time in this crazy town with my crazy life! In the moments making a film it explains it all to my crazy heart all over again! Never will I be able to express how motivating it was for me to do that!!! And we still have the whole film to shoot! Uber-excited for July! Lots and lots of prep to do...let's hope we can raise enough funds via indiegogo.com to make it every bit of film I know it can be!
On a more fun note...we finally joined the YMCA which I may have mentioned before! But now the girls classes have started and I have met with a personal fitness coach to come up with a bit of a work out plan. If you ever are in need of help at the Hollywood Wilshire YMCA I'll refer you to great Fitness Coach! He super adorable and flirts just enough to keep me coming back for more pain! Yes I was in the US Marine Corps and proudly served. But my ass has not seen a gym in 10 years. I just want to be in shape. I want to know that my body is healthy and maybe get back on track to running that marathon that seemed like a good idea about 2 1/2 years ago...but mostly if cutie would ask me to dinner I could stop with the unnecessary torture! Probably not true...but I am enjoying being boy-crazy teenager(ish) single right now...makes life interesting :)or more like keeping me occupied.
Hollybaby and I have attended quite a few of the Mommy & Me Yoga and Mommy & Me Music....which most days is more like Nanny & Me... but consider I have the most bad-ass Manny on the block whom has also attended when I couldn't I won't give them a hard time...but is a silly reminder that we do live in Hollywood! Baby girl has been enjoying her 1 1/2 - 2 hours in the Clubhouse with other kids her age. Most everyone is regulars and starting to get to know the other parents and EVERYONE that works there. The great people at the Y knew every Hollygirls name after day one and know Tim by name too...no one knows me...lol Except Cutie... hehehe.
The big girls are taking a theatre class,cheerleading, ballet and as of tonight karate. So they are kept busy! Finally out of the house and I am not seeking new entertainment each trip. This is all scheduled and regimented out for them and I am enjoying that...but more so they are thriving on the consistency! Their little brains need to be occupied. Daddy has not been for a visit in awhile because he has had work obligations that keep him away. So being occupied is good for their hearts at this point. Explaining to them why and where daddy is and when he is coming again is getting more and more difficult. I know its just the way the universe is right now...I just wish I could change it for them. At least I hope I am making it easier.
I must say overall keeping us busy at the YMCA has been a blessing for us in many ways. It did hit me when Babygirl and I were in Mommy & Me for the first time just how disconnected her and I had become since we stopped breastfeeding. Her and I were connected at the hip...well technically not the hip...but you know what I mean! She was constantly snuggled in tight and I was her only safe spot in the world. Now her little world has gotten so much bigger...and while I am enjoying every inch she wanders to explore...I am missing that connection we once had. So while we still snuggle and connect in different ways on a daily basis, now we have time set aside just for us! At the end of every class we point at ourselves and say "I"...then stretch our arms out wide and say "LOVE"...then hug the babies and say "YOU". Sounds simple enough...but today a tear started to swell when we were at Trader Joe's grabbing groceries she sat in the cart and looked and me pointing to herself and said "I"...then reached to hug me! Tim and I both stood in Trader Joe's frozen section doing it with her over and over again! It was wonderful. What was even more amazing was when she did it to her big Sister after school. I love watching her learn to express what it is she thinks and feels.
Well it is now really really late. I think I am really tired and really sore from the workout! The first official of the week! Oh dear...more pain. But my BUTT will be back where the Marine Corps put it at 19 and my BOOBS back to where I put those before the girls...and my 30's came to TRY to destroy them :) Oh and I may be able to chase down a purse snatcher without getting winded! Work for me was cancelled in April. Which is a downer and lots of added stress that I don't need, but a blessing in learning to relax and enjoy down time. So newly refocused after the last really busy month...a little heartache...some hard work...and hard times...
March 2011 is over and I am left asking myself where it went? I am not really willing to accept how crazy, busy, wonderful and mostly life changing March really was for me and the girls. I worked so much...which is good and bad. This HollyMommy missed the heck outta my babies and vice-versa. It also provided many conversations with friends whom are not too happy with me right now. Many lessons learned about them and myself this month. Overall there are no complaints. Car purchased--check. Bills paid--check. Dream accomplished--nearly checked. Quality time spent with my babies-- check check. Mama tired--HELL DOUBLE YES CHECK.
Let's see to my busy work month we can add 1 web commercial shoot. 1 infomercial shoot. 1 Canadian TV shoot. 1 reality TV pilot shoot. And 1 short film teaser shoot. That made for a busy month. But mostly what I was working through is the ability to manage my time in a way that made me a productive production mother. Trying to balance the two is not without arguments and hurt feelings. Lesson learned...when your friends say "Of course I understand you are busy and don't have time to hang out. Put them kids first it's important." What they really mean is..."Of course I see how you don't have time for anyone else but me...WHAT? Oh you mean not me either? WTF?"
I must say it has been an overall crap experience. For as close as some of these friends are you would think that they would get that I am still trying to figure out where even 'I' fit into my life as a single mom! So no I am not sure where you fit in just yet. Maybe you don't! I am okay with that! Because I if nothing else know where my babies fit in...FIRST! Despite popular believe it's not to do with production work...it has to do with any mothers work! The job that never ends. Never gets vacation. Never gets old. Never predictable. Never NOT worth it! So why is it that I have gotten so much grief for trying to give them all of my spare time and newly free time? I am not so sure. I know that it is hard, BUT come on folks this is the most work I have had in a year. One month of not being able to take your call or hang out should make you proud of me...not deeming me an unworthy friend. Sucks to vent I know...but I needed to just get it out!
Onwards and upwards I guess. This last month I finally shot the teaser for 'Moving On', which is a short film I wrote years ago about 4 to be exact! I never really intended it to see the light of day...yet HERE WE GO! Making this short film has been a challenge. Mostly because I didn't want to produce it myself. I WROTE IT and I am ACTING IN IT...I wanted someone else to just take the reigns and produce the dang thing! Somehow that is similar to having the kids clean and organize their room and expect it to look like the Pottery Barn catalog you designed it after! Not gonna happen unless you DO IT YOURSELF! By myself I totally mean going back to my roots and doing it with the crew and talent I know I can rely on...my KC boys Ralph and Nick...forever known now as 'Team KC'! It took one phone call to Ralph to say 'Dude I wanna make this film...HELP!' With a response that was 'Aright Super Starr...can I bring Nick!?'. DUH of course. 3 weeks, 2 plane tickets and 3 cameras later they arrived to greet 'Team LA'...we had about 46 hours to shoot it the teaser and the interviews. I had some amazingly talented friends and fellow actors/improvisors come on bored. An amazing friend loan us his house as a shooting location and just did it KC style! We went rogue on Hollywood Blvd then to the ever so popular place to steal shots...Runyon Canyon! I spent 46 hours getting in and out of a wedding dress (mom said I'd only wear it once! HA) dragging a radio flyer wagon (that my awesome friend hunted down and rented) filled with wedding cake (that every dog at Runyon took a bite of), beer bottles (that we drank during prep), and champagne! It was a fun time. I totally remembered why the f*ck I go through this crazy time in this crazy town with my crazy life! In the moments making a film it explains it all to my crazy heart all over again! Never will I be able to express how motivating it was for me to do that!!! And we still have the whole film to shoot! Uber-excited for July! Lots and lots of prep to do...let's hope we can raise enough funds via indiegogo.com to make it every bit of film I know it can be!
On a more fun note...we finally joined the YMCA which I may have mentioned before! But now the girls classes have started and I have met with a personal fitness coach to come up with a bit of a work out plan. If you ever are in need of help at the Hollywood Wilshire YMCA I'll refer you to great Fitness Coach! He super adorable and flirts just enough to keep me coming back for more pain! Yes I was in the US Marine Corps and proudly served. But my ass has not seen a gym in 10 years. I just want to be in shape. I want to know that my body is healthy and maybe get back on track to running that marathon that seemed like a good idea about 2 1/2 years ago...but mostly if cutie would ask me to dinner I could stop with the unnecessary torture! Probably not true...but I am enjoying being boy-crazy teenager(ish) single right now...makes life interesting :)or more like keeping me occupied.
Hollybaby and I have attended quite a few of the Mommy & Me Yoga and Mommy & Me Music....which most days is more like Nanny & Me... but consider I have the most bad-ass Manny on the block whom has also attended when I couldn't I won't give them a hard time...but is a silly reminder that we do live in Hollywood! Baby girl has been enjoying her 1 1/2 - 2 hours in the Clubhouse with other kids her age. Most everyone is regulars and starting to get to know the other parents and EVERYONE that works there. The great people at the Y knew every Hollygirls name after day one and know Tim by name too...no one knows me...lol Except Cutie... hehehe.
The big girls are taking a theatre class,cheerleading, ballet and as of tonight karate. So they are kept busy! Finally out of the house and I am not seeking new entertainment each trip. This is all scheduled and regimented out for them and I am enjoying that...but more so they are thriving on the consistency! Their little brains need to be occupied. Daddy has not been for a visit in awhile because he has had work obligations that keep him away. So being occupied is good for their hearts at this point. Explaining to them why and where daddy is and when he is coming again is getting more and more difficult. I know its just the way the universe is right now...I just wish I could change it for them. At least I hope I am making it easier.
I must say overall keeping us busy at the YMCA has been a blessing for us in many ways. It did hit me when Babygirl and I were in Mommy & Me for the first time just how disconnected her and I had become since we stopped breastfeeding. Her and I were connected at the hip...well technically not the hip...but you know what I mean! She was constantly snuggled in tight and I was her only safe spot in the world. Now her little world has gotten so much bigger...and while I am enjoying every inch she wanders to explore...I am missing that connection we once had. So while we still snuggle and connect in different ways on a daily basis, now we have time set aside just for us! At the end of every class we point at ourselves and say "I"...then stretch our arms out wide and say "LOVE"...then hug the babies and say "YOU". Sounds simple enough...but today a tear started to swell when we were at Trader Joe's grabbing groceries she sat in the cart and looked and me pointing to herself and said "I"...then reached to hug me! Tim and I both stood in Trader Joe's frozen section doing it with her over and over again! It was wonderful. What was even more amazing was when she did it to her big Sister after school. I love watching her learn to express what it is she thinks and feels.
Well it is now really really late. I think I am really tired and really sore from the workout! The first official of the week! Oh dear...more pain. But my BUTT will be back where the Marine Corps put it at 19 and my BOOBS back to where I put those before the girls...and my 30's came to TRY to destroy them :) Oh and I may be able to chase down a purse snatcher without getting winded! Work for me was cancelled in April. Which is a downer and lots of added stress that I don't need, but a blessing in learning to relax and enjoy down time. So newly refocused after the last really busy month...a little heartache...some hard work...and hard times...
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