Monday, February 28, 2011

For Your Consideration...

It's Oscar night here in Hollywood and what kind of Hollymommy would not blog about it!?! I have to be honest this mommy was not feeling so hot today, could have been a long cold day on set yesterday or just the fact my health seems on a down slope these days. But I woke up on time to watch most of the show and enjoy some of the fun.

Our Hollyhome is about 4 blocks from the Kodak theatre and the Academy Awards have been affecting our lives all week! The metro station at Hollywood/Highland has been shut down since Thursday which is not so bothersome for me, but it also means that everyone is exiting at MY stop (the one before) at Hollywood/Vine. Now Hollywood Blvd at Hollywood/Highland has been shut down for more than a week in prep for the big show. All those red carpets and tents and interview stations are all in the middle of the street and won't be cleared out fully until late this week. So that in turn pushes traffic our direction! Okay that is all under control...BUT they go nuts shutting down streets and taking our already VERY limited parking in Hollywood. That is probably the single most annoying thing about living tops price, dirt, crime, and smell! PARKING is awful! Well they decide to shut down about 10 surrounding blocks to the Kodak and not allow parking on the streets from 6am-10pm...lesson learned as the girls dad had his rental car towed first thing this morning. The upstairs neighbor said the tow trucks were lined up ready to go at 5am waiting for the clock to turn and tow all of those cars! $340 later the rental car is back and safely in an overnight overpriced parking lot and Daddy got to stay for an extra day due to missing his flight back home. Kids stoked...Daddy not so much! 

I always enjoy watching the Academy Awards. It is such a magical night of gowns and tuxes and beauty. Such an overdone affair...but highly glamourous and about the only glamour left in this town. Despite the misgivings of living so close I must say it truly is a reminder of how dreamy and shiny this place can be. Dreams are shattered here everyday! Confidence is beaten out of you! Never good enough is an easy feeling to find. BUT a few times a tonight you are reminded that those dreaming hard enough are rewarded and validated by acceptance and votes from peers, colleagues and fellow dreamers. An honor that I would say I would love to be given one day, but not on my daily list of things I strive for in life. It seems like it would be amazing just to be noticed for hard work and love of a craft that drives everything you do in life. I could do without one, but I would do so much with design a baby nursery around the little bald man!

The girls were informed that right after Best Motion Picture it was straight to bed (only in Hollyhome)! They were happy to stay away, but they were not paying attention to what was happening on the show. Except AJ whom has decided at 17 she wants to borrow my clothes. My Diva was fascinated with the gowns and beauty. I told her that I have no doubts that if she wanted to go one day that she would be invited. She blushed and batted her eyes stating "yeah I know." Well AJ I am excited for you...don't forget to thank your mother!

Best part of the night by the way was the young filmmaker, Luke Matheny, who just won an Academy Award with his college final. A film entitled "God Of Love", which I am going to watch asap. I am so excited for him. What an amazing way to start a path to a film career. His thank you speech was great and I am so happy the Producers didn't start to play him off. I personally would just f*ing panic (in the words of Michelle Leo) if they started playing music over my speech. He didn't have to deal with that. Luke did express regret about not getting a hair cut, thanked his crew, his school, and his mother for doing craft services. The young filmmaker also had time to include a big thanks to his girlfriend and love of his life. It was just a nice moment to watch! But made me think about who on earth would I thank if that were me. I mean I talk A LOT...I talk way to much for only 15 seconds of fame! 

My crew and fellow filmmakers are the obvious. The producers and directors and lighting guys for making me look good....blah blah blah! Everyone knows those people are amazing and get a big props...but I know whom I would totally thank. My parents of course! All of them...they are amazing! Believing in me was not an easy task...but they have not failed me yet. I have said before I know what my parents would say if I said "Hey guys I am moving to the moon!".  My mother would say "How are you getting there?" My father would say "Oh I found her a ride" followed up with a joint answer of "Let's get you packed and out the door. Please don't talk to strangers. Take pictures. Call when you get there and HAVE FUN!".  That would be my parents...never worried about me and never telling me that I couldn't do something. Neither one of them flinched as they signed papers for their first born child and daughter to join the US Marine Corps at the age of 17. I couldn't stir trouble after any tattoo. No one screamed at me for piercing my tongue or face. Not one lecture about having babies before marriage or college degree. YUP there have been a few offers for them to pay for the gas for me to come home and cash in the chips here! I know that both my mothers and my father have had sleepless nights worrying about how this was all gonna pan out! But their faith in me and the strength they gifted me has been my driving force to not give up. My entire family is proud of me. My sisters brag about me. My brother looks up to me. In all honesty though it is them that I look to as great great people. Everyone of us is strong when the other is not. My sister has loved me and supported me and lifted me up in my weakest moments. My brother has reminded me that everybody can go f*ck themselves...they can't control me anymore than I allow. These are all things that I couldn't be without in my Hollyhome. My family ALL of them! Every single cousin, aunt, uncle, niece, nephew, daughter, parent, in-law, ex-husbands and friend adopted along the way...everyone of them is a comforting face and familiar voice of love....FAMILY! Without my them and my children and friends who love me I would be such a different woman. Thanks for who I am today. I love you all.

To the real though. I would HAVE to thank only two people. 
Those who ALWAYS believed in me and those who NEVER did! 
Both gave me fuel to my passion and are pushing me towards who I will become. And without both we all would have little to work for. Proving people wrong is fuel for so many people...the many people that become great! Let's see how right I am gonna be :)

So now I never need to win an all know who I would thank. Guess I better spend my time helping AJ pick out a gown, a date, and a winning role! 

All in all it was a great night here in Hollywood and just down the road the party has just started for some. I think I am going to be happy to crawl into bed.  The Hollybabies are asleep. The bathroom is clean. Uniforms are ready for morning. Now if I can just find a time to watch all of the films that took home an award. I will only have time to watch the shorts I am afraid. This Hollymommy has work next week :) So excited for that! Now I must sleep. I really am nervous blogging...I am usually running low on sleep, patience, and punctuation skills. 

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Home Sweet Hollywood

I am always asked "How do you do it?"---shrugging my shoulders and giving the "I dunno" isn't working let me tell you or show you all over the next year!

In no world could I have ever imagined this to be my life or the circumstances in which I would find myself in...ever! But here I am single mother and learning to love it. Living in Hollywood,CA with my three beautiful girls and EVERY care in the world! I wanted to blog about my ONE year that I was to live in Hollywood with my beauties as a single mother just to keep track of it all. Well, that idea was almost EXACTLY one year ago. How did I get so lost again? Well. Huh? Okay. I will admit it. LOVE!

Love. I loved so many things and not loved so many things. I was frustrated and confused. I was not unlike any other married 'single' mother out there. My ex-husband was self-involved. Loved his full-time job and part-time family. I tried so hard to be 'that' amazing wife and mother that sat quietly feeling unloved knowing that a life of passion and dreams was meant for me...somewhere. Many days and nights I was explaining to the girls how much daddy loved them and how much he loved me. Over and over again I would remind them of all the dinners he did have with us and that we would maybe do that again someday. I was explaining that daddy did come come every single night and kiss them softly before he left in the morning. I love them. I don't want to intentionally hurt them, and yes I struggle knowing the amount of lies I have told just to save them from a drop of pain that I felt from the same man. Don't get me completely wrong. I was not in some troubled crazy marriage that could not have been saved. My marriage was just not being saved no matter how much I had tried and I was the only one trying. He was just mearly surviving and that was hearbreaking to watch. Our home had been built on love and lies. A foundation that was now quickly deterioating. The more I scrambled to fix it the futher and faster it fell. No matter the friendship we had created over the last 10 years. Friendship was not enough...for either of us.

We had just brought our third baby girl home. I had agreed to stay in an attempt to NOT do it alone. Another lie? Or a was really honest attempt on his part to 'do the right thing' whatever that was at the time I am not sure. All I know is that everyone and everything I had loved and fought for was being pulled apart with no hope that it could or would ever come back together again. I had never felt so alone surrounded by so many people before and it scared me to pieces. My husband was reaching out...I should too right?! Maybe not, but I only know that now. Thinking now I don't know why being alone scared me so much? Maybe because everyone who loved me told me it should! So I allowed it to! And I reached out to the only man who had ever passionatly loved me and who had taught me once before how to love myself. Maybe just talking with him and clearing up the past could settle some of these emotions stirring within me?

Well, for the sake of getting back on topic. I called him. I visited LA again. The first time since my ex up and moved me from LA with little warning or a chance to say goodbye. As I came back I fell into the arms of Hollywood and everything LA without even giving myself a warning. I tasted it and I wanted it all back. I wanted me back! I wanted to not just own the night...but own my whole life.

While I am sure we will revist the topic of that person stated above. It is just not the time to get it all in now. I loved strongly and tried to change a million things. None of those changes where sucessful in getting me to a place where I wanted taht new relationship to go. Mostly because I fought it kicking a screaming. Trying to be alone...with someone. It made my adventure here in Hollywood so confusing. I myself was not even sure why I came. So badly I wanted it to be not because of, or for someone new. But I am afraid it was. So here I am finally a...oh dare I say... a ... ummm... A SINGLE MOTHER of 3! There I said it. I am single. I am a mother. I have 3 beautiful Hollybabies! My life could not be more complex or complete!

So here I sit one full year later. Ready to blog. SO very many people are in shock to find out I have babies. Even more shocked when they find out that I am a great mommy so involved, over-bearing, all organic feed, field trip chaparoning, audition attending, film producing, improv classes, interning, working, Hollywood Hustle Mommy! "How do you do it?" "OMG where are your kids?" "That sounds so hard, I couldn't do it!" "NO YOU AREN'T" "YOU have 3 kids?"....

That's my favorite...the last question. Yes, I do...and these tits...they are real too! Yes, it's hard. But every single mommy has it difficult, I am not really different. We also had our life set up before I was this alone. We are in a crazy groove...we are working it out! I love my job. I see my babies a lot more than my mom saw us growing up. She worked from 8am-6pm everyday and sometimes on Saturday. The most time I spent with her was two week long stays at the hospital as a child and the one week a year we went to FL to visit my grandparents. Me...well I bust my butt for weeks on end...then home for weeks (umm.months sometimes) on end. I make use of most moments I have with them. I am not just a weekend mommy and I am sure my own mommy would have liked to have traded me then. Things are harder for me now that I must share them with daddy. But again we are all mostly comfortable. The Hollygirls are LOVING it here in a way that is strange. They cheer on mommy as mommy does them. Everything in life we are doing together!

And that's the backstory! Not my best writing...but there was so much to say and this first post has taken me over a year to figure out. Now it's sat here for one solid month...and it's just going up. TMI and all.

SO HERE WE GO! One more year at HollyHome! Hollygirls are taking the town! Doing the damn thing in the most fabulous Hollyway sit, down, shut up, grab the diaper bag....and let's ride this town together. Hollymommy is gonna let you in behind the scenes. You will see how simply complex this complete life really is.

Home Sweet HollyHome!