Thursday, February 24, 2011

Home Sweet Hollywood

I am always asked "How do you do it?"---shrugging my shoulders and giving the "I dunno" isn't working let me tell you or show you all over the next year!

In no world could I have ever imagined this to be my life or the circumstances in which I would find myself in...ever! But here I am single mother and learning to love it. Living in Hollywood,CA with my three beautiful girls and EVERY care in the world! I wanted to blog about my ONE year that I was to live in Hollywood with my beauties as a single mother just to keep track of it all. Well, that idea was almost EXACTLY one year ago. How did I get so lost again? Well. Huh? Okay. I will admit it. LOVE!

Love. I loved so many things and not loved so many things. I was frustrated and confused. I was not unlike any other married 'single' mother out there. My ex-husband was self-involved. Loved his full-time job and part-time family. I tried so hard to be 'that' amazing wife and mother that sat quietly feeling unloved knowing that a life of passion and dreams was meant for me...somewhere. Many days and nights I was explaining to the girls how much daddy loved them and how much he loved me. Over and over again I would remind them of all the dinners he did have with us and that we would maybe do that again someday. I was explaining that daddy did come come every single night and kiss them softly before he left in the morning. I love them. I don't want to intentionally hurt them, and yes I struggle knowing the amount of lies I have told just to save them from a drop of pain that I felt from the same man. Don't get me completely wrong. I was not in some troubled crazy marriage that could not have been saved. My marriage was just not being saved no matter how much I had tried and I was the only one trying. He was just mearly surviving and that was hearbreaking to watch. Our home had been built on love and lies. A foundation that was now quickly deterioating. The more I scrambled to fix it the futher and faster it fell. No matter the friendship we had created over the last 10 years. Friendship was not enough...for either of us.

We had just brought our third baby girl home. I had agreed to stay in an attempt to NOT do it alone. Another lie? Or a was really honest attempt on his part to 'do the right thing' whatever that was at the time I am not sure. All I know is that everyone and everything I had loved and fought for was being pulled apart with no hope that it could or would ever come back together again. I had never felt so alone surrounded by so many people before and it scared me to pieces. My husband was reaching out...I should too right?! Maybe not, but I only know that now. Thinking now I don't know why being alone scared me so much? Maybe because everyone who loved me told me it should! So I allowed it to! And I reached out to the only man who had ever passionatly loved me and who had taught me once before how to love myself. Maybe just talking with him and clearing up the past could settle some of these emotions stirring within me?

Well, for the sake of getting back on topic. I called him. I visited LA again. The first time since my ex up and moved me from LA with little warning or a chance to say goodbye. As I came back I fell into the arms of Hollywood and everything LA without even giving myself a warning. I tasted it and I wanted it all back. I wanted me back! I wanted to not just own the night...but own my whole life.

While I am sure we will revist the topic of that person stated above. It is just not the time to get it all in now. I loved strongly and tried to change a million things. None of those changes where sucessful in getting me to a place where I wanted taht new relationship to go. Mostly because I fought it kicking a screaming. Trying to be alone...with someone. It made my adventure here in Hollywood so confusing. I myself was not even sure why I came. So badly I wanted it to be not because of, or for someone new. But I am afraid it was. So here I am finally a...oh dare I say... a ... ummm... A SINGLE MOTHER of 3! There I said it. I am single. I am a mother. I have 3 beautiful Hollybabies! My life could not be more complex or complete!

So here I sit one full year later. Ready to blog. SO very many people are in shock to find out I have babies. Even more shocked when they find out that I am a great mommy so involved, over-bearing, all organic feed, field trip chaparoning, audition attending, film producing, improv classes, interning, working, Hollywood Hustle Mommy! "How do you do it?" "OMG where are your kids?" "That sounds so hard, I couldn't do it!" "NO YOU AREN'T" "YOU have 3 kids?"....

That's my favorite...the last question. Yes, I do...and these tits...they are real too! Yes, it's hard. But every single mommy has it difficult, I am not really different. We also had our life set up before I was this alone. We are in a crazy groove...we are working it out! I love my job. I see my babies a lot more than my mom saw us growing up. She worked from 8am-6pm everyday and sometimes on Saturday. The most time I spent with her was two week long stays at the hospital as a child and the one week a year we went to FL to visit my grandparents. Me...well I bust my butt for weeks on end...then home for weeks (umm.months sometimes) on end. I make use of most moments I have with them. I am not just a weekend mommy and I am sure my own mommy would have liked to have traded me then. Things are harder for me now that I must share them with daddy. But again we are all mostly comfortable. The Hollygirls are LOVING it here in a way that is strange. They cheer on mommy as mommy does them. Everything in life we are doing together!

And that's the backstory! Not my best writing...but there was so much to say and this first post has taken me over a year to figure out. Now it's sat here for one solid month...and it's just going up. TMI and all.

SO HERE WE GO! One more year at HollyHome! Hollygirls are taking the town! Doing the damn thing in the most fabulous Hollyway sit, down, shut up, grab the diaper bag....and let's ride this town together. Hollymommy is gonna let you in behind the scenes. You will see how simply complex this complete life really is.

Home Sweet HollyHome!

No comments:

Post a Comment