Wednesday, May 25, 2011

HollyMommy Day 2011

Mother's Day 2011...well it was good for me! AJ said "it was the most boring-est Mother's Day ever ever". So you know that it was great for Hollymommy! I woke to the smell of my steak and eggs Tim 'helped' the girls make for breakfast. I heard little whispers of them still finishing projects in the kitchen, so I just laid their and enjoyed the noise. When I cracked my eyes just a little bit I saw lil G running around in my Thanksgiving apron with the same look I get on my face when I am trying to cook for 5 people...and she just was cooking for one! AJ had probably given up on the idea of helping long before I stirred because she was sitting on my legs watching tv snacking on something, asking when HER breakfast would be ready. Hollybaby was just running around and climbing the tables, pretty sure Tim was nervous by this point at knowing I was taking the FULL day OFF and the girls were wired! The big girls couldn't wait to show me their surprises...and honestly I couldn't wait to open the questioners sent home from the school. In which I will post! --G said over and over just how much she loved to hang out with me and how I am fun! I will take it...hopefully that will last well into adulthood :) AJ's was premade by her teacher, but her handprint so tiny on the back brought a tear to my eye. I mean I see her hands everyday. I wipe those tiny little hands clean. I have smacked those tiny little hands away from danger. I have kissed boo boo after boo boo on those little fingers. YET for some reason seeing it permanently in ink on the back of this piece of paper really filled me with anxiety of her growing up and for a moment I flash forwarded to looking at this 10 even 20 years from now! I know I know! As mommies we really try to never EVER fast forward...but as mommies to girls we just can't help but wonder and hope that their hearts and lives will be stronger and better than our own when THEY become women.

Some days late at night I get WAY WAY over emotional and stop to ask myself and God "Am I doing this right?". Trust me it is not everyday that myself or God want to answer that question for fear of what the answer really may be on that day, but I get the answers in moments like Mother's Day morning and in the moments I watch my girlies make good and informed choices for themselves...even if the choice is drinking water over soda...I know it's because I taught them...and they paid attention and took it with them. I hope they know that I love them and I always will...No matter what they spill on the couch!

I guess all of this comes up now because for those of you who know my personal life you know that I am under attack as a mother from time to time. Not that I am 'getting' in trouble as a mother. But that their dad is not around often and the stress of his choices and his absence is sometimes taken out on me. There are other people whom question what I am doing and how it affects my ability to be a good mother and question choices I have made. Normally, I am an F* what people think or say...but these opinions I respect and look too when I am questioning myself. Needless to say I have done a lot of defending of my life! The biggest defense is my choice to live in the heart of Hollywood with three small girls in a small apartment! Well, that is simple! The choice was made as a temporary solution and while I have been living there a few months longer than planned I would say in NO WAY is it a permanent choice of a home. As far as my's Hollywood...we are by far NOT the only family living here...or on my street...or in my building! Hollygirls love it there. Yes, sometimes there are requests to go back to our BIG FAT house in Portland area, but really what they miss is Daddy. I can't give them that house back, nor can I alone give them Daddy back. 

YES! I have a blog dedicated to our time in Hollywood. YES! I tease that it smells like pee. YES! Parking is a SOB most nights of the week. YES! I have too many tickets to pay before my ass gets towed! YES! I will move...sooner than later. BUT...NO WAY will I allow anyone to tell me anymore that I am NOT a good mom because of my choice to be here with them. We have had a good time. We have grown as a house full of ladies. We have had fun together and I hope to still say that as I am moving out of that apartment and in those 10 or 20 years from now looking back on this time with them. Some of the most difficult times in my life have happened in this building/apartment. I have had my heart saved and broken to pieces here! I have taught a baby to walk and talk here! I have danced and sang with my girls here! I have argued and fought here! I have learned about me,about life, and about motherhood here! I am learning about the strength and character of the human spirit here! The girls are learning about their mother here! I pray that what they will take away from this is the love I have given them and the faith I have had in dreams. My dreams and their own.

So you have stuck with me this long--let me just give a big thanks to Tim for my Mother's Day and everyday that he is here to help me and the girls. He has his family back home that need him everyday, but he is here. Maybe because he believes in me? Maybe because he thinks I would fail alone? Maybe his love for the girls? Maybe his dedicated spirit? Maybe his own desires to follow his heart here in this town? OR quite possibly all of the above! Either way I am most appreciate of him and hope to repay him someday for all that he has given me...even when it's just been a nap!

Also, I know I have never named the HollyGirls for you. I think it is time to do that. There was no real intention behind that in the beginning. I do like my privacy and all, but you should know that in true HollyMommy style all of the lovely ladies are named after great Hollywood stars.And in strange ways have totally adapted to their namesakes and are very proud to be named after Hollywood royalty...but with a twist each time. Well, except AJ...can't really mess with the name that much...don't think I didn't try.
So the naming and stories of HollyBabies to come :) Sorry for the late post...I guess this one never went live!

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