So much to blog about. I have been without the internet for 2 weeks now and for the most part I am okay with it. I can surf on my phone and still have facebook access and public televison is actually a nice change of pace for us. The girls have been enjoying old reruns of He-Man, She-Ra and Bravestar! Tim is not complaining about it...he digs those old shoes and enjoys sharing them with the ladies. The girls enjoy asking us questions about our childhood, and I honestly love talking about it...so its a win win! This summer break probably could have been more fun and defiantly much longer. Overall though it was not a total loss, some good times were had and a few more are in store.
OH DEAR--I am the worst blogger EVER. The above was written about a month ago...I have had some issues with Time Warner...then was gonna switch to AT&T...then thought about Clear! Then I got uber frustrated with the whole issue of internet all together. Final decision...back to Time Warner the scamming scammers! LOL Back to where we started!
SOOOO what has been happening in Hollyhome in all this crazy busy time? Well...SUMMER of course. Like I said it wasn't as FULL as I had hoped...BUT it's always summer for the Hollybabies so no time wasted! Things came to a stand still when this mama wrecked her ride in a 5 car accident...I was happy little car number 4. In accidents like that you end up with the insurance deciding that everyone is responsible for their own car...and since I had liability I was screwed. So I sold the car back to they guy I bought it from and called us even stevens. I didn't want to deal with it...couldn't afford to get it fixed...even if I could I didn't want to dump anymore money into it...and here in Hollyhood we pay to park and I wasn't paying $160 a month to park a car I couldn't drive! So that's that and back to the bus and train I happily go :) For now! Thank God for friends with cars and friends willing to go out of their way to help me out when I have work that comes up.
Speaking of friends. I have been a crappy one for sometime. This I am aware of and have been aware of since I decided it was time to be less about everyone else and more about me. Some of my truest friends remained...and stuck by me even if it was just every now and again I made time for them. Some of them may still be there and I wouldn't know it. The rest are just on with live happy and maybe oblivious to what, why and where I ran off too. I guess my response to that would have to be...I went to that place you all always told me to go. The place where I only worried about me and the beauties. A place where I could be happy. YES of course that place includes ALL of my friends and people I have loved for so long...sadly getting to that place was a more lonesome path. Like driving through the desert in the dark...while kids are sleeping...and then hitting city traffic at day break...while kids are screaming! Both of those times are not times where you want to be talking to other people LOL. Doing so left me lonely when I started to come out the other side, yet it left me a clearer picture of true friendship. The kind of friend that I am able to be at this stage and the kind of friend I need as well.
I have started to learn what making new friends entails--apparently you have to court them like dates. That I never knew. Every friend I had was an instant BAM we were glued at the hip...not so much when you are older and have lives, jobs, and kids. Never knew. I also learned that having girlfriends is SO important--missing my girls from my younger years and so jealous they all see each other and have play dates, margaritas (not at the same time...well I don't think :)- All in all I have figured out that I am ready to be a friend to someone again. A true friend with a new meaning. Something where I am not giving so much and never making time for myself. I used to wrap myself up in my friends 'things' with the intention of avoiding dealing with my own. I think I understand the balance now.
On to some great friends...First World Problems. We all have them. BUT I have 9 of them. I improv with them. Drink beers with them. Laugh with them. Banter with them. Rap with them. Complain with them. Sometimes even BBQ with them. Can I get a what what for beer can chicken !?!
I have figured out so much this summer. About myself. About my life. About my kids. About relationships. It feels great to just be more knowledgeable than the year before.
This has taken weeks to write. Its not quite done. But I want you all to know that I am well. The beauties are well. School started today. I am working. I busy. I am loving life :)
...more to come :)
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
Soundtrack Of My Life
For those of you whom are not caught up on my Hollyhome happenings...here is a recap. I had the month of June off to goof around. Wrap up some script issues on 'Moving On' and learn to edit. Neither of which have seen task completion. BLAH! I finished the 4th level of the Conservatory at Second City and have moved on to the final level...the part where we take what we have done...do some more...and turn out the best sketch show ever put up on The Second City Hollywood stage. Okay Okay so the last part is just optional...but something that resembles a sketch show must go up in 4 months time!
I have been listening to crap love songs all day to inspire me. Although, it was nice to relive my love of Chicago and Boston (the bands not cities) Foriegner and Steve Miller Band. So in the end not a waste of time...nice walk down memory lane :)
BLAH! Now lucky for me most of my class is top notch in the song department. And while I could turn out some kick ass lyrics to a sad country love song from all the experience I have to pull from over the last few years...I highly doubt I can pull off anything clever and witty. I have had a severe case of writers block...FINE call it laziness...whichever. I have truly been dreading this part of the Conservatory-- WRITING! I LOVE improv. I am on my feet. I am expected to say something stupid or not funny at every moment, so when it works just once people tend to forget about the 100 things I said before that 1 great thing...you know the 100 not smart things. BUT when I am writing my perfectionist Virgo side comes out and I panic and leave a blank page in the dust as I wonder off to do something else instead. With improv you can say 'well that's over, never do that scene again'... and with writing it's like 'well you had plenty of time to think it through and THAT'S what you came up with'. Writing blogs to keep ya'll back home and you nosey nelly's near by informed is hard enough. So that's why I warned ya'll that I would NOT be caring about punctuation or if my sentences made any sort of logical sense. What you don't know is I read and re-read all the time. Making changes. Not fixing mistakes so much as tweaking crap that nobody will ever re-read. At this point I am afraid that if one makes too much sense ... then it will throw off the balance of all the other ones that don't and I will just delete them all! LOL
Back to topic of this song. Well. Huh? Yup I got nothing.
I did eventually get comfortable doing musical improv once a term. I took a workshop with the artistic director and a great musical improviser...it helped and I had a blast. But you won't be seeing my album drop anytime soon! Now I love, love, love music. Of course I turn to music as a way to comfort my soul and raise my spirit. I have a musical family. I just steer clear of making it. I remember writing songs when I was little...about dandelions and about not having any friends because I was new at school ... WAIT A MINUTE ... I might be on to something. NOPE it's gone. I surround myself with musical people. My Grayce is musical and has a deep love for music. Which I think her dad and I gave to her as a baby with music all the time...classical to classic rock, 80's to heavy metal. She picked up piano easily and guitar was not too bad. Ava Jo sings like an angel. I mean they pretty much rule...according to the Wii I am awesome...but AJ can't read and Grayce can't figure out how to hold the mic to pick up her voice. So I really shouldn't be bragging, it just makes me sound like a sad sad parent :)
I know I can pull this off...but there is that inner romantic that just wants a sweet talking cowboy to write me a love song, ride up on his horse and play his guitar on my front porch. Where is George Strait and his crappy acting when a girl needs him? That was what I envisioned...not writing the damn thing myself and singing it to a wincing crowd of people. I guess there are some ear plugs in my production kit...I'll hand those out :)
*NO SHIT as I typed this someone's car outside headed to Hollywood Blvd was blaring a George Strait song from their car. Hollyweird!
Well. I am off to finish off my day and search for my inspiration to write this song OR wait for my handsome cowboy/hipster (this is Hollywood I may have to tweak this vision) to show up and sing me one!
**Note to self--By adding another child to your household ie. someone else's for a hang out all day and then sleepover. Your own children are completely entertained to allow you a significant window of time to get TONS of shit done. Mommy point for me! I won this round ladies...
Assignment #1--Write A Frickin' Song
A title and a minimum of a 4 line chorus...not a lot to ask for.
I have been listening to crap love songs all day to inspire me. Although, it was nice to relive my love of Chicago and Boston (the bands not cities) Foriegner and Steve Miller Band. So in the end not a waste of time...nice walk down memory lane :)
BLAH! Now lucky for me most of my class is top notch in the song department. And while I could turn out some kick ass lyrics to a sad country love song from all the experience I have to pull from over the last few years...I highly doubt I can pull off anything clever and witty. I have had a severe case of writers block...FINE call it laziness...whichever. I have truly been dreading this part of the Conservatory-- WRITING! I LOVE improv. I am on my feet. I am expected to say something stupid or not funny at every moment, so when it works just once people tend to forget about the 100 things I said before that 1 great thing...you know the 100 not smart things. BUT when I am writing my perfectionist Virgo side comes out and I panic and leave a blank page in the dust as I wonder off to do something else instead. With improv you can say 'well that's over, never do that scene again'... and with writing it's like 'well you had plenty of time to think it through and THAT'S what you came up with'. Writing blogs to keep ya'll back home and you nosey nelly's near by informed is hard enough. So that's why I warned ya'll that I would NOT be caring about punctuation or if my sentences made any sort of logical sense. What you don't know is I read and re-read all the time. Making changes. Not fixing mistakes so much as tweaking crap that nobody will ever re-read. At this point I am afraid that if one makes too much sense ... then it will throw off the balance of all the other ones that don't and I will just delete them all! LOL
Back to topic of this song. Well. Huh? Yup I got nothing.
I did eventually get comfortable doing musical improv once a term. I took a workshop with the artistic director and a great musical improviser...it helped and I had a blast. But you won't be seeing my album drop anytime soon! Now I love, love, love music. Of course I turn to music as a way to comfort my soul and raise my spirit. I have a musical family. I just steer clear of making it. I remember writing songs when I was little...about dandelions and about not having any friends because I was new at school ... WAIT A MINUTE ... I might be on to something. NOPE it's gone. I surround myself with musical people. My Grayce is musical and has a deep love for music. Which I think her dad and I gave to her as a baby with music all the time...classical to classic rock, 80's to heavy metal. She picked up piano easily and guitar was not too bad. Ava Jo sings like an angel. I mean they pretty much rule...according to the Wii I am awesome...but AJ can't read and Grayce can't figure out how to hold the mic to pick up her voice. So I really shouldn't be bragging, it just makes me sound like a sad sad parent :)
I know I can pull this off...but there is that inner romantic that just wants a sweet talking cowboy to write me a love song, ride up on his horse and play his guitar on my front porch. Where is George Strait and his crappy acting when a girl needs him? That was what I envisioned...not writing the damn thing myself and singing it to a wincing crowd of people. I guess there are some ear plugs in my production kit...I'll hand those out :)
*NO SHIT as I typed this someone's car outside headed to Hollywood Blvd was blaring a George Strait song from their car. Hollyweird!
Well. I am off to finish off my day and search for my inspiration to write this song OR wait for my handsome cowboy/hipster (this is Hollywood I may have to tweak this vision) to show up and sing me one!
**Note to self--By adding another child to your household ie. someone else's for a hang out all day and then sleepover. Your own children are completely entertained to allow you a significant window of time to get TONS of shit done. Mommy point for me! I won this round ladies...
Thursday, July 7, 2011
...And Dru Makes Three!
Well-- In comedy things are best in 3's...so God must have a sense of humor that kills!
My third blessing came at a very ironic time in my life. A time filled with confusion and when the strength of my family and marriage were being tested to the extremes. I could have never imagined how it would all turn out, but I wouldn't have wanted to ruin the ending like I do with books! All these stories I share are mearly stories in a lifelong tale that continues to write itself while we are busy living it everyday. Audree Elizabeth taught me that. She is of course named for Audrey Hepburn. Her middle name after my beautiful Grandma Jones. Another strong woman I was honored to be loved by and learn from. Audree is spelled differently to honor her french heritage and to fulfill my love of making my children spell out their name every time...cuz I do!
While Audree was a surprise, she is a blessing not the less. As every mother asks themselves the famous question after the first child I asked myself 'How will I have enough love for ANOTHER child?". I think we for moments just couldn't imagine how our hearts could possibly have enough love for another life and worry that it won't so we will have to divide up the love we currently are giving to our partners and other children. If you have two you already know that it happens! You love and then you love the next one just as much! So why did I still questioned it with the third? Silly hormones messing with a pregnant woman's emotions!
My pregnancy with Audree was insane. Having made it through a few bouts of cervical cancer...we all often wondered if my body could handle this one. It was at times stressful and bed rest and mommy having to sit still (which I don't do well), but we made it through. Then we made it past the due date. I was nesting pretty hard because we moved just 2 weeks before I was due. Actually driving across the country with both kids, both dogs, my mom, a moving truck, and a bun in the oven. Didn't even tell or ask the doctor cuz I knew the answer would be NO stay here until she is born. No way was daddy missing the birth of this baby and no way was I staying behind while he unpacked. So away we went. Only for the moving truck to nearly catch on fire due to bad breaks and get stuck at the Oregon border rest area. On my 30th birthday...which was on Labor Day! Where nothing lives...not cell reception...not hospitals...not auto parts stores...not a tow company...just a bathroom and grass to wander in. I thought for sure baby was coming that day. I was having contractions (not consistent), my back was killing me, and most importantly that would be the luck! I made it through...enjoyed my birthday dinner in a fly infested restaurant lovingly named The Redneck Cafe. I was with my mom and my family...I couldn't have asked for more!
Dru was a nick name I gave her while I was still pregnant. Nobody gets it but me...and I am okay with that. Sometimes I think her and I will always have a secret understanding that only her and I 'get'...I am okay with that too!
Anyhow Dru came late. I was so antsy and the new doctor wouldn't induce despite ALL the medical concerns...there were A LOT! Once my water actually broke she took her sweet ole' time. My labor would NOT start. I never had consistent contractions...and 20 mins before I delivered they told me it would be a few more hours and someone was going to come talk to me about a C-Section. WHAT! I don't want drugs and you think I want you to chop a baby out of me with...HELL NO! Thankfully she received her eviction notice and I had to 'hold her in' while we waited for the doctor that was told less than 5 minutes ago we had hours. Let me tell you men who are reading this...you CAN NOT hold a baby in. Just in the nick of time walks in my doctor (who was a resident doc), his attending doc, and an INTERN-- that had only been and INTERN doc for 15 minutes prior to walking in to deliver his first baby! He had a look of fear on his face similar to a man standing at the end of the barrel on a loaded shot gun. In his nervousness he was telling me over and over like a drill sergeant to 'get the baby out'! DUDE this is my THRID time...I got this! Was what I was thinking but what came out was 'YOU WANT IT OUT. THEN YOU GET IT OUT! OR SHUT UP!' My doctor said told me to 'calm down' to which I responds 'CALM HIM DOWN!'
About 30 seconds later he had delivered his first baby and I had delivered my third. Cord around her neck and he stayed calm and just handled like a pro. I think he will make a fine doc, but he may not end up an OB after that!
She was handed off quickly to the respiratory team in the room (yes, if you do the count there were about 9 people in the room. Dru made ten.). I heard her cry. Daddy cut the cord and took pictures. He had them uploaded onto FB before I breastfed her for the first time...what a world we live in today. What I recall the most was the few seconds they laid her on my tummy she twisted her little body and neck to look at me. Her expression seemed to say 'huh? that's what you look like' and all I could muster up was 'my beauty'! It was those brief seconds when that love I had carried for my other two girls grew bigger and the love for Audree flooded into completion. Mothers can do it...love them all so much...love them all the same. Fathers do too, they just don't have hormones making them worry about whether they will or won't...lol
When I finally held her it strangely didn't feel like the first time. Like she had always been here. Holding your third baby is amazing, mostly because you aren't a scared new mom wondering how it will work or how you will sleep or if it will all be okay. It's just peace. It's looking over at her father and catching eyes with a look that says 'yo! we got this'. The original look between new parents says 'holy fucking shit'. This time it was just different and just as nice. We were relaxed and confident and ready to go home.
Audree still gives the same look as she did the first time we 'met'. She is a tiny treasure in my army of girls. Smart and sensitive, yet confident and bold! She is a by the book child. Does nothing 'early' or 'late'...she is super observant like Grayce and super GO like Ava. Cuddly and wild. Brave and cautious. I can't describe the perfect blend of Grayce and Ava she is growing to be. Dru pays attention to what they are doing all the time and more now is putting into action what they do. I just know that she is going to have NO problem growing into her place as an individual in this group of Hollygirls!
I die for her expressions. So animated. So sincere.
I -- of course could go on and on about my babies. Today I won't. Now I have talked about them all as individuals. I am the luckiest mom. I strive to make them proud of me and let them know I am ALWAYS proud of them. I always will be win or lose.
I am here for them. I am living my dream! Oh yes it is hard from time to time. I am not so much seeking the illusive Hollywood dream of fame. I just wanted to work in tv and film. I do that. Granted I am a freelancer so it's hard sometimes, but in those times where I feel like giving up I can look at them and know that I am doing the right thing. They are taken care of and provided for by me. They are loved. My girls sacrifice nothing in order for me to be here... and Audree won't remember any of it...lol!
My third blessing came at a very ironic time in my life. A time filled with confusion and when the strength of my family and marriage were being tested to the extremes. I could have never imagined how it would all turn out, but I wouldn't have wanted to ruin the ending like I do with books! All these stories I share are mearly stories in a lifelong tale that continues to write itself while we are busy living it everyday. Audree Elizabeth taught me that. She is of course named for Audrey Hepburn. Her middle name after my beautiful Grandma Jones. Another strong woman I was honored to be loved by and learn from. Audree is spelled differently to honor her french heritage and to fulfill my love of making my children spell out their name every time...cuz I do!
While Audree was a surprise, she is a blessing not the less. As every mother asks themselves the famous question after the first child I asked myself 'How will I have enough love for ANOTHER child?". I think we for moments just couldn't imagine how our hearts could possibly have enough love for another life and worry that it won't so we will have to divide up the love we currently are giving to our partners and other children. If you have two you already know that it happens! You love and then you love the next one just as much! So why did I still questioned it with the third? Silly hormones messing with a pregnant woman's emotions!
My pregnancy with Audree was insane. Having made it through a few bouts of cervical cancer...we all often wondered if my body could handle this one. It was at times stressful and bed rest and mommy having to sit still (which I don't do well), but we made it through. Then we made it past the due date. I was nesting pretty hard because we moved just 2 weeks before I was due. Actually driving across the country with both kids, both dogs, my mom, a moving truck, and a bun in the oven. Didn't even tell or ask the doctor cuz I knew the answer would be NO stay here until she is born. No way was daddy missing the birth of this baby and no way was I staying behind while he unpacked. So away we went. Only for the moving truck to nearly catch on fire due to bad breaks and get stuck at the Oregon border rest area. On my 30th birthday...which was on Labor Day! Where nothing lives...not cell reception...not hospitals...not auto parts stores...not a tow company...just a bathroom and grass to wander in. I thought for sure baby was coming that day. I was having contractions (not consistent), my back was killing me, and most importantly that would be the luck! I made it through...enjoyed my birthday dinner in a fly infested restaurant lovingly named The Redneck Cafe. I was with my mom and my family...I couldn't have asked for more!
Dru was a nick name I gave her while I was still pregnant. Nobody gets it but me...and I am okay with that. Sometimes I think her and I will always have a secret understanding that only her and I 'get'...I am okay with that too!
Anyhow Dru came late. I was so antsy and the new doctor wouldn't induce despite ALL the medical concerns...there were A LOT! Once my water actually broke she took her sweet ole' time. My labor would NOT start. I never had consistent contractions...and 20 mins before I delivered they told me it would be a few more hours and someone was going to come talk to me about a C-Section. WHAT! I don't want drugs and you think I want you to chop a baby out of me with...HELL NO! Thankfully she received her eviction notice and I had to 'hold her in' while we waited for the doctor that was told less than 5 minutes ago we had hours. Let me tell you men who are reading this...you CAN NOT hold a baby in. Just in the nick of time walks in my doctor (who was a resident doc), his attending doc, and an INTERN-- that had only been and INTERN doc for 15 minutes prior to walking in to deliver his first baby! He had a look of fear on his face similar to a man standing at the end of the barrel on a loaded shot gun. In his nervousness he was telling me over and over like a drill sergeant to 'get the baby out'! DUDE this is my THRID time...I got this! Was what I was thinking but what came out was 'YOU WANT IT OUT. THEN YOU GET IT OUT! OR SHUT UP!' My doctor said told me to 'calm down' to which I responds 'CALM HIM DOWN!'
About 30 seconds later he had delivered his first baby and I had delivered my third. Cord around her neck and he stayed calm and just handled like a pro. I think he will make a fine doc, but he may not end up an OB after that!
She was handed off quickly to the respiratory team in the room (yes, if you do the count there were about 9 people in the room. Dru made ten.). I heard her cry. Daddy cut the cord and took pictures. He had them uploaded onto FB before I breastfed her for the first time...what a world we live in today. What I recall the most was the few seconds they laid her on my tummy she twisted her little body and neck to look at me. Her expression seemed to say 'huh? that's what you look like' and all I could muster up was 'my beauty'! It was those brief seconds when that love I had carried for my other two girls grew bigger and the love for Audree flooded into completion. Mothers can do it...love them all so much...love them all the same. Fathers do too, they just don't have hormones making them worry about whether they will or won't...lol
When I finally held her it strangely didn't feel like the first time. Like she had always been here. Holding your third baby is amazing, mostly because you aren't a scared new mom wondering how it will work or how you will sleep or if it will all be okay. It's just peace. It's looking over at her father and catching eyes with a look that says 'yo! we got this'. The original look between new parents says 'holy fucking shit'. This time it was just different and just as nice. We were relaxed and confident and ready to go home.
Audree still gives the same look as she did the first time we 'met'. She is a tiny treasure in my army of girls. Smart and sensitive, yet confident and bold! She is a by the book child. Does nothing 'early' or 'late'...she is super observant like Grayce and super GO like Ava. Cuddly and wild. Brave and cautious. I can't describe the perfect blend of Grayce and Ava she is growing to be. Dru pays attention to what they are doing all the time and more now is putting into action what they do. I just know that she is going to have NO problem growing into her place as an individual in this group of Hollygirls!
I die for her expressions. So animated. So sincere.
I -- of course could go on and on about my babies. Today I won't. Now I have talked about them all as individuals. I am the luckiest mom. I strive to make them proud of me and let them know I am ALWAYS proud of them. I always will be win or lose.
I am here for them. I am living my dream! Oh yes it is hard from time to time. I am not so much seeking the illusive Hollywood dream of fame. I just wanted to work in tv and film. I do that. Granted I am a freelancer so it's hard sometimes, but in those times where I feel like giving up I can look at them and know that I am doing the right thing. They are taken care of and provided for by me. They are loved. My girls sacrifice nothing in order for me to be here... and Audree won't remember any of it...lol!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Hey Hey Josephine...
Happy 4th of July!
Guess this is the most perfect day to talk about my little firecracker, Ava Jo! My second blue-eyed beauty is now 5 years old according to her birth certificate and 24 according to her attitude! My sweet Ava Josephine has been my biggest handful since the day she was born. AJ is stubborn and only she can hear the tick of her own clock. I remember my mid-wife came in on her day off to deliver my 2nd born on December 5th 2005, I wanted so badly for her to NOT be born on the 6th because it was the same day as my first marriage anniversary. December 5th 1997 was the day I graduated from Marine Corps boot camp so that seemed better in my head! I was induced with her on the 5th due to medical reasons and couldn't be happier. Now it was only fitting for Ava to arrive with a mid-wife who came in special for her arrival (I couldn't have done it with out Connie!) and to be just a few minutes after midnight ensuring she won the December 6th birthday battle! Her father and I were still trying to figure out middle names...only knowing we wanted to call her AJ (but we only do in typing). I wanted Ava Jones...because that is my grandfathers last name and seeing as though I would never have a boy I liked it! We only agreed on Ava Jolene ... my favorite song for a long time and it just sounded beautiful. Some how we ended up with Ava (yes, for the Hollywood beauty Ava Gardner!) Josephine. Her daddy wanted to help with the name choosing and at first I was like YUCK...not even a nice name...don't talk to me! (yeah not a good topic for a woman just an hour after natural childbirth) I woke up after a little rest...listened to why he liked it...listened to how he thought it was spelled "Joesafine"... sent him to the nurses station to get the baby name book... and as I looked at this tiny little beauty in my arms I whispered 'I love you more than words Ava Josephine' ... she made a small chirp and I cried--like a baby! I just knew that daddy had come up with something that was meant just for her!
Ava was our only 'planned' baby! We knew what we were up too...just didn't think we'd knock it out of the park on the first pitch! I found out I was pregnant on Easter 2005 and she was here before Christmas! That's Ava...never missing an opportunity for a gift giving holiday :) We enjoyed the fireworks show today. This is our first year going through all the holidays without their Daddy and the toll it is taking on us all. Which by the way didn't hit me until I got home this evening. Trying to figure out all day what was missing and why it seemed today couldn't get over fast enough. Not to say that it was not enjoyable as always watching the delight on their faces at each burst of firework, but even though we have been separated on and off for years we ALWAYS spent the holidays together in some sort of way. Knowing that it was best for the kids to be together. We made a promise to never let all that go no matter what. Well I guess that is a promise we have broken for now. I am hoping to give that back to Ava and them all, but most of all to Ava Jo. She is the middle baby and I think needs to know her place in this family more than the other two. Some how-- some way I know she will MAKE a place for herself in this world. It will be a very loud and explosive sort of forcing herself in way. Like a firework bursting amongst the stars in the night. Bigger, Louder, and Shining Brighter! She has been a force to be reckoned with since I first looked into her eyes.
Ava Jo was the only baby on my tummy straight after birth and straight to the breast as they cut the cord. She screamed in the car seat the WHOLE drive home from the hospital and every car ride thereafter. She was my sidekick--she breastfed the longest--she slept with me the longest--she was attached to my hip the longest--basically everything that Grayce was not is all that Ava came to be. I love them each for the different ways they make me a mother. Josephine, as Ava is most commonly called by me has tested every ounce of patience I have. For a time I was not allowed to call her Jo...then she told me 'Well, I am in trouble a lot. So I guess you can call me Jo, because that is my trouble name'. Well said Ava!
She wore a dress EVERY day from the time she was 2 until she was nearly 4 years old! It was a battle. Some days she would wear pajamas and jeans and a dress and a sandal and a tennis shoe...AT ONCE! I would just yell and yell trying to fight her out of it into something reasonable and that would match. Please JO let mommy brush your hair--NOOOOO! Getting her to eat was a battle she once told me 'If you EVER talk to me again like that I won't neber eber eat again'. WOW!Okay...
Ava Jo-101 MOM-0
Jo spent most of her 3rd year in time out and in tears. Her dad accused me of babying her (which I did) and then I think I went too tough for a bit. Until one morning we were about 20 mins late for preschool and Grayce Kinder--she sat in a ridiculous outfit not wanting to change her clothes. She had 5 layers of clothes, unmatching socks, and flip flops on. My patience was worn so thin I walked out to the front porch and just cried. I begged God to help me reason with her. I begged him for the strength to simply be her mother. And suddenly IT hit me. I stood up and walked inside looked at my sweet angel faced Ava Josephine and told her 'Grab your backpack. You better be president or save the rainforest someday!' In that moment I just knew God had made her a fighter, she fought for what she believed in and was not going to back down! I figured out it was now my job as her mother to teach her to use her powers for good not evil! I can just see her chained to a tree screaming that trees have feelings...or protesting in the nude to save a historical building!!! So everyday since then I have let her win most battles and am making sure that she knows the war she is fighting--because when the time comes she will not stop at defeat!
Everyday Ava reminds me of the strength inside of myself. The strength I gave to her. The strength my mother gave to me and the knowledge that her heart is bigger and her mind is wiser than my own--I just know she is meant for BIG things in a LOUD way. I pretty much believe that whatever Grayce conjures up...Ava will be clearing the way! What an amazing duo! What a lucky Mommy!
Diva Ava- I love you so much. My life is more interesting and honest with you in it. There is not a thing I would ever change about you and by God don't let anyone else change you either. Fight the good fight and love with all you got baby girl! Mama will let the world know your coming...yet somehow I know you will still stun the hell out of them! You are smarter than you let everyone believe...
I know that you encountered your first bullying battle with hate and racism this year. Mommy is so proud at your grace and strength in dealing with it all. You won in the end and I am glad that it all never took your spirit. I hope you remember that we are family...we stick together. We love those that may not love us and most of all we NEVER stop loving each other :)
Life's a dance...sometimes you lead...and sometimes you follow.
Guess this is the most perfect day to talk about my little firecracker, Ava Jo! My second blue-eyed beauty is now 5 years old according to her birth certificate and 24 according to her attitude! My sweet Ava Josephine has been my biggest handful since the day she was born. AJ is stubborn and only she can hear the tick of her own clock. I remember my mid-wife came in on her day off to deliver my 2nd born on December 5th 2005, I wanted so badly for her to NOT be born on the 6th because it was the same day as my first marriage anniversary. December 5th 1997 was the day I graduated from Marine Corps boot camp so that seemed better in my head! I was induced with her on the 5th due to medical reasons and couldn't be happier. Now it was only fitting for Ava to arrive with a mid-wife who came in special for her arrival (I couldn't have done it with out Connie!) and to be just a few minutes after midnight ensuring she won the December 6th birthday battle! Her father and I were still trying to figure out middle names...only knowing we wanted to call her AJ (but we only do in typing). I wanted Ava Jones...because that is my grandfathers last name and seeing as though I would never have a boy I liked it! We only agreed on Ava Jolene ... my favorite song for a long time and it just sounded beautiful. Some how we ended up with Ava (yes, for the Hollywood beauty Ava Gardner!) Josephine. Her daddy wanted to help with the name choosing and at first I was like YUCK...not even a nice name...don't talk to me! (yeah not a good topic for a woman just an hour after natural childbirth) I woke up after a little rest...listened to why he liked it...listened to how he thought it was spelled "Joesafine"... sent him to the nurses station to get the baby name book... and as I looked at this tiny little beauty in my arms I whispered 'I love you more than words Ava Josephine' ... she made a small chirp and I cried--like a baby! I just knew that daddy had come up with something that was meant just for her!
Ava was our only 'planned' baby! We knew what we were up too...just didn't think we'd knock it out of the park on the first pitch! I found out I was pregnant on Easter 2005 and she was here before Christmas! That's Ava...never missing an opportunity for a gift giving holiday :) We enjoyed the fireworks show today. This is our first year going through all the holidays without their Daddy and the toll it is taking on us all. Which by the way didn't hit me until I got home this evening. Trying to figure out all day what was missing and why it seemed today couldn't get over fast enough. Not to say that it was not enjoyable as always watching the delight on their faces at each burst of firework, but even though we have been separated on and off for years we ALWAYS spent the holidays together in some sort of way. Knowing that it was best for the kids to be together. We made a promise to never let all that go no matter what. Well I guess that is a promise we have broken for now. I am hoping to give that back to Ava and them all, but most of all to Ava Jo. She is the middle baby and I think needs to know her place in this family more than the other two. Some how-- some way I know she will MAKE a place for herself in this world. It will be a very loud and explosive sort of forcing herself in way. Like a firework bursting amongst the stars in the night. Bigger, Louder, and Shining Brighter! She has been a force to be reckoned with since I first looked into her eyes.
Ava Jo was the only baby on my tummy straight after birth and straight to the breast as they cut the cord. She screamed in the car seat the WHOLE drive home from the hospital and every car ride thereafter. She was my sidekick--she breastfed the longest--she slept with me the longest--she was attached to my hip the longest--basically everything that Grayce was not is all that Ava came to be. I love them each for the different ways they make me a mother. Josephine, as Ava is most commonly called by me has tested every ounce of patience I have. For a time I was not allowed to call her Jo...then she told me 'Well, I am in trouble a lot. So I guess you can call me Jo, because that is my trouble name'. Well said Ava!
She wore a dress EVERY day from the time she was 2 until she was nearly 4 years old! It was a battle. Some days she would wear pajamas and jeans and a dress and a sandal and a tennis shoe...AT ONCE! I would just yell and yell trying to fight her out of it into something reasonable and that would match. Please JO let mommy brush your hair--NOOOOO! Getting her to eat was a battle she once told me 'If you EVER talk to me again like that I won't neber eber eat again'. WOW!Okay...
Ava Jo-101 MOM-0
Jo spent most of her 3rd year in time out and in tears. Her dad accused me of babying her (which I did) and then I think I went too tough for a bit. Until one morning we were about 20 mins late for preschool and Grayce Kinder--she sat in a ridiculous outfit not wanting to change her clothes. She had 5 layers of clothes, unmatching socks, and flip flops on. My patience was worn so thin I walked out to the front porch and just cried. I begged God to help me reason with her. I begged him for the strength to simply be her mother. And suddenly IT hit me. I stood up and walked inside looked at my sweet angel faced Ava Josephine and told her 'Grab your backpack. You better be president or save the rainforest someday!' In that moment I just knew God had made her a fighter, she fought for what she believed in and was not going to back down! I figured out it was now my job as her mother to teach her to use her powers for good not evil! I can just see her chained to a tree screaming that trees have feelings...or protesting in the nude to save a historical building!!! So everyday since then I have let her win most battles and am making sure that she knows the war she is fighting--because when the time comes she will not stop at defeat!
Everyday Ava reminds me of the strength inside of myself. The strength I gave to her. The strength my mother gave to me and the knowledge that her heart is bigger and her mind is wiser than my own--I just know she is meant for BIG things in a LOUD way. I pretty much believe that whatever Grayce conjures up...Ava will be clearing the way! What an amazing duo! What a lucky Mommy!
Diva Ava- I love you so much. My life is more interesting and honest with you in it. There is not a thing I would ever change about you and by God don't let anyone else change you either. Fight the good fight and love with all you got baby girl! Mama will let the world know your coming...yet somehow I know you will still stun the hell out of them! You are smarter than you let everyone believe...
I know that you encountered your first bullying battle with hate and racism this year. Mommy is so proud at your grace and strength in dealing with it all. You won in the end and I am glad that it all never took your spirit. I hope you remember that we are family...we stick together. We love those that may not love us and most of all we NEVER stop loving each other :)
Life's a dance...sometimes you lead...and sometimes you follow.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
A Grayceful Blessing
Well, I promised a while back that I would give a special dedication to my Hollybabies and where each of them got their names and do a proper introduction for each of them. You all know them all ready. The fair skinned blonde beauties who call me Mommy! So I think I will just share a bit of how they individually challenge and surprise me on a daily basis. So today I want to talk about the eldest Hollygirl... Grayce Kathleen ... she has all the beauty and charm of her Hollywood namesake Grace Kelly of course. How could we not give a tribute to a Hollywood Princess turned a real life one. On a few occasions I was told I bared some resemblance to the Hollywood star. Grace had long been a named that I loved even before it was 'cool' again. Due to my expert precision in walking and marching was referred to as Grace many times growing up and in the Marine Corps. In some strange way I felt I was merely pre-determining the fate of her beauty and coordination. A name that could only make sense for my first born child. Only adding a Y to aggravate her years later and to aggravate the in-laws now :) Maybe not actually either...but just to make sure that this Grayce stood out among the many other Grace's in the world. Little did I realize then that she does not need my help in standing out at all.
Grayce changed my life. My first born...her gift to me was making me a mother. I never thought I would be a mom or have children of my own. I was told that several times by many different doctors. I had come to terms with the idea of not bearing my own children at a very young age. I remember sitting with her father listening to another doctor tell me the same thing again just two months before I found out I was pregnant. I remember friends buying books on adoption. I remember talking to my mother about going to see a specialist and maybe talking my next eldest sister into carrying a child for me with some borrowed sperm! I have to LOL at the thought of all of that now--THREE girls later!
I prayed to God that night after being discharged from the hospital asking him to reconsider me never having my own child. Now I must say I swear I heard 'This is God. I can't answer your prayer right now. If you leave a message I will get back to you when the time is right...BEEEEP'. So as you can see I had the understanding I was merely leaving a message. Nope! God was apparently screening all of his calls very carefully because according to my calculations we conceived Grayce that very next week or so.
I have to admit...I was not scared at all when I found out I was having a baby! Yes, there were many things to be scared about, yet for some reason I was just calm and at peace. I knew that what ever was about to happen was what was supposed to happen. Their dad on the other hand was not so sure. He looked so scared and did not speak to me for days, but he never left. He was right there silent and scared! I asked him to drive me home to my parents house 4 hours away and he did. I knew that my family would be about the only thing to shake him free from this state of shock. That weekend home my family surrounded us with the love and support that they always had with everything else that happened in my life. That weekend they looked at my then boyfriend and later husband as family...knowing that come what may they would owe the beauty of this grandchild partially to him. My Mom Kim was overjoyed at the idea of becoming a grandma and my dad well I am certain he just laughed at the payback I would be receiving for all the hell I put him through as a kid. Not an ounce of disappointment. Not a lecture. He just bought me a pit pass and took me to the dirt track to show me a good time before I got all fat! That was the most connected I had felt to all of my parents ever. My mother just hugged me and smiled often (again I am pretty sure it was inner laughter about payback she knew was coming) letting me know it would all be okay.
So many moments between then and now I worried our new little family wouldn't survive. Fear and faith somehow always work together one big circle. Usually ending with love. Grayce coming into my life was the moment that any of that could have ever made sense. Many years went by before I told anyone of my USC acceptance letter that came about the same day I found out I was pregnant. A young man stood before once asking me not to leave him for a bigger college long before a baby ever enter the picture, so I had already applied to one college and sat on the applications for the others. Figuring I would ride this out for one more year. Oh what a year that turned out to be :) I put a dream college on hold for love and I let it go of it all together for family. I would not change those choices for anything. I am always thankful of where I am today--no matter what day it happens to be!
All of this only comes to mind when thinking of Grayce, because she was the one that changed my life. Only for the better. Everyday she reminds me that I am doing a great job as her mother. Proof only by her kind and forgiving nature. She is strong and wiser than any other girl I know. I would love to take credit for her wisdom, but it really is just her way of watching observing and her compassion for others that makes her that way. She always has been an easy child. Yes, there was a short time of colic when she was a mess with acid reflux. Once we figured that out she just wanted to be left alone, until she needed something. She would just play on a blanket or in a bouncy chair and watch everything around her. So independent...but she loved to cuddle! She learned to pull herself up at 5 months and was crawling a few weeks later. She took her first steps at 7 months old, but decided not to start walking until 9 months old. When the day after Christmas after being so sick with pneumonia for a week, she stood up at Grandpa's house and ran off! I loved every minute of being her mother from day one. I still do.
Grayce will be a smarter and stronger woman than I ever could imagine myself being. She is a thinker. She is a dreamer. She is a doer. She is a seeker of knowledge. She observes everything... eventually drawing it out detail by detail. For those of you who don't know, Grayce could not talk in full sentences until she was almost 5 years old. She spent a year in speech therapy until she was able to perfect her words and thoughts. Until that point is was a unique language all of her own...mostly communicating through art. I asked her constantly to SHOW me what she was talking about...when is was something she couldn't find she would simply draw it out for me. Her skill at drawing the world around her amazes me. (I secretly hope she becomes an animator so I can get a glimpse into all the characters in her mind) Her attention to details and way of observing the world around her makes her a great artist. The one interest that has never faded is her love for drawing. I promise to post more art done by the little Graycie Kate.
Grayce Kathleen...named after my love of Hollywood and my lack of coordination. Getting her middle name from my late grandmother Mary Kathleen. Who herself was a strong woman and made a great impact on my life. Grandma Katie would have been proud of the young lady that carries her name now. I am proud of the young lady she has become. I feel more emotional writing about Grayce than I thought I would. Never knowing to the full extent of how my own child changed me for the better and took me on the more interesting route in the road of life. Being a mother was all I ever wanted to be...and Grayce made it all worth the wait and the worry.
My favorite Grayce memory so far is...
When she was young her father and I were preparing for our wedding day by taking some classes at church. He was assigned to pray with Grayce every night for a week. I believed whole heartedly that this journey with God was something he needed to discover for himself I stayed in the background as he went through confirmation classes. So I snuck down the hallway to hear them both struggling a little through The Lord's Prayer...he would whisper a line and she would try to form the words back to him. He says 'and give us this day our daily bread' and Grayce repeats back...'gimme a peamunt budder sammich'
We always relied on the Lord through many hard times, including now. Still today the girls and I say the Lord's Prayer before bedtime and each night the memories of her and her father sharing those prayer times and asking the Lord for a peanut butter sandwich makes me giggle.
Thank you my darling Grayce. May God continue to bless you in many ways :)
Grayce changed my life. My first born...her gift to me was making me a mother. I never thought I would be a mom or have children of my own. I was told that several times by many different doctors. I had come to terms with the idea of not bearing my own children at a very young age. I remember sitting with her father listening to another doctor tell me the same thing again just two months before I found out I was pregnant. I remember friends buying books on adoption. I remember talking to my mother about going to see a specialist and maybe talking my next eldest sister into carrying a child for me with some borrowed sperm! I have to LOL at the thought of all of that now--THREE girls later!
I prayed to God that night after being discharged from the hospital asking him to reconsider me never having my own child. Now I must say I swear I heard 'This is God. I can't answer your prayer right now. If you leave a message I will get back to you when the time is right...BEEEEP'. So as you can see I had the understanding I was merely leaving a message. Nope! God was apparently screening all of his calls very carefully because according to my calculations we conceived Grayce that very next week or so.
I have to admit...I was not scared at all when I found out I was having a baby! Yes, there were many things to be scared about, yet for some reason I was just calm and at peace. I knew that what ever was about to happen was what was supposed to happen. Their dad on the other hand was not so sure. He looked so scared and did not speak to me for days, but he never left. He was right there silent and scared! I asked him to drive me home to my parents house 4 hours away and he did. I knew that my family would be about the only thing to shake him free from this state of shock. That weekend home my family surrounded us with the love and support that they always had with everything else that happened in my life. That weekend they looked at my then boyfriend and later husband as family...knowing that come what may they would owe the beauty of this grandchild partially to him. My Mom Kim was overjoyed at the idea of becoming a grandma and my dad well I am certain he just laughed at the payback I would be receiving for all the hell I put him through as a kid. Not an ounce of disappointment. Not a lecture. He just bought me a pit pass and took me to the dirt track to show me a good time before I got all fat! That was the most connected I had felt to all of my parents ever. My mother just hugged me and smiled often (again I am pretty sure it was inner laughter about payback she knew was coming) letting me know it would all be okay.
So many moments between then and now I worried our new little family wouldn't survive. Fear and faith somehow always work together one big circle. Usually ending with love. Grayce coming into my life was the moment that any of that could have ever made sense. Many years went by before I told anyone of my USC acceptance letter that came about the same day I found out I was pregnant. A young man stood before once asking me not to leave him for a bigger college long before a baby ever enter the picture, so I had already applied to one college and sat on the applications for the others. Figuring I would ride this out for one more year. Oh what a year that turned out to be :) I put a dream college on hold for love and I let it go of it all together for family. I would not change those choices for anything. I am always thankful of where I am today--no matter what day it happens to be!
All of this only comes to mind when thinking of Grayce, because she was the one that changed my life. Only for the better. Everyday she reminds me that I am doing a great job as her mother. Proof only by her kind and forgiving nature. She is strong and wiser than any other girl I know. I would love to take credit for her wisdom, but it really is just her way of watching observing and her compassion for others that makes her that way. She always has been an easy child. Yes, there was a short time of colic when she was a mess with acid reflux. Once we figured that out she just wanted to be left alone, until she needed something. She would just play on a blanket or in a bouncy chair and watch everything around her. So independent...but she loved to cuddle! She learned to pull herself up at 5 months and was crawling a few weeks later. She took her first steps at 7 months old, but decided not to start walking until 9 months old. When the day after Christmas after being so sick with pneumonia for a week, she stood up at Grandpa's house and ran off! I loved every minute of being her mother from day one. I still do.
Grayce will be a smarter and stronger woman than I ever could imagine myself being. She is a thinker. She is a dreamer. She is a doer. She is a seeker of knowledge. She observes everything... eventually drawing it out detail by detail. For those of you who don't know, Grayce could not talk in full sentences until she was almost 5 years old. She spent a year in speech therapy until she was able to perfect her words and thoughts. Until that point is was a unique language all of her own...mostly communicating through art. I asked her constantly to SHOW me what she was talking about...when is was something she couldn't find she would simply draw it out for me. Her skill at drawing the world around her amazes me. (I secretly hope she becomes an animator so I can get a glimpse into all the characters in her mind) Her attention to details and way of observing the world around her makes her a great artist. The one interest that has never faded is her love for drawing. I promise to post more art done by the little Graycie Kate.
Grayce Kathleen...named after my love of Hollywood and my lack of coordination. Getting her middle name from my late grandmother Mary Kathleen. Who herself was a strong woman and made a great impact on my life. Grandma Katie would have been proud of the young lady that carries her name now. I am proud of the young lady she has become. I feel more emotional writing about Grayce than I thought I would. Never knowing to the full extent of how my own child changed me for the better and took me on the more interesting route in the road of life. Being a mother was all I ever wanted to be...and Grayce made it all worth the wait and the worry.
My favorite Grayce memory so far is...
When she was young her father and I were preparing for our wedding day by taking some classes at church. He was assigned to pray with Grayce every night for a week. I believed whole heartedly that this journey with God was something he needed to discover for himself I stayed in the background as he went through confirmation classes. So I snuck down the hallway to hear them both struggling a little through The Lord's Prayer...he would whisper a line and she would try to form the words back to him. He says 'and give us this day our daily bread' and Grayce repeats back...'gimme a peamunt budder sammich'
We always relied on the Lord through many hard times, including now. Still today the girls and I say the Lord's Prayer before bedtime and each night the memories of her and her father sharing those prayer times and asking the Lord for a peanut butter sandwich makes me giggle.
Thank you my darling Grayce. May God continue to bless you in many ways :)
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Random Appreciation
So YES I have not been blogging as much as I should or that I promised myself that I would when I FINALLY got off my hiney and started blogging! This has sat here unposted for two weeks...as I add only this sentence to tell you :) BUT trust me it is not because nothing has been going on...A LOT has been going on and I have been busy and not busy all at the same time. So hard to explain to people whom don't have children...YES I am busy all the time in your opinion! NO I really just have bouts of busy in my opinion. Everyday there are the same basic tasks. Feed everyone, cloth and bath everyone, homework, school pick ups and drop offs, sometimes work, laundry and blah blah blah.... MOST of the time I have help with those mundane tasks because Tim is here! So I nearly have the luxury of picking and choosing which chores to do each day...which I did before he got here as well. I would just take the day off from housekeeper from time to time. The girls and I are extremely lucky to have him here! His schedule is about to pick up especially as HollyBaby is getting bigger and now we are all in a routine and have mostly settled down since THE BIG upset last October, which left me fending for myself. The down side to having someone you trust fully with the kids...is that those people are rare...and when they are your friend too then it's harder to actually hang out with them. Tim and I are in that boat now. Our hang out time involves laundry and finding a babysitter is becoming more and more difficult.
On average I really don't 'go out' much...but when I do it seems to be in spurts and is accompanied with work attached. After working so many days...LONG production days...I usually just want to be a house mouse for sometime after it wraps. Catch up with the girlies and get my lovin' from them. Gentle reminders of why I am the luckiest mom on earth! Kisses and Love and Fighting Screaming Barbarians!!!! I love them! I truly love my life! I have had moments this last week where I doubted the turns my life was taking and moments where I didn't think my heart was going to survive. YET I am still loving...I am still living...and I am still a single Mommy to my beauties!
On average I really don't 'go out' much...but when I do it seems to be in spurts and is accompanied with work attached. After working so many days...LONG production days...I usually just want to be a house mouse for sometime after it wraps. Catch up with the girlies and get my lovin' from them. Gentle reminders of why I am the luckiest mom on earth! Kisses and Love and Fighting Screaming Barbarians!!!! I love them! I truly love my life! I have had moments this last week where I doubted the turns my life was taking and moments where I didn't think my heart was going to survive. YET I am still loving...I am still living...and I am still a single Mommy to my beauties!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
HollyMommy Day 2011
Mother's Day 2011...well it was good for me! AJ said "it was the most boring-est Mother's Day ever ever". So you know that it was great for Hollymommy! I woke to the smell of my steak and eggs Tim 'helped' the girls make for breakfast. I heard little whispers of them still finishing projects in the kitchen, so I just laid their and enjoyed the noise. When I cracked my eyes just a little bit I saw lil G running around in my Thanksgiving apron with the same look I get on my face when I am trying to cook for 5 people...and she just was cooking for one! AJ had probably given up on the idea of helping long before I stirred because she was sitting on my legs watching tv snacking on something, asking when HER breakfast would be ready. Hollybaby was just running around and climbing the tables, pretty sure Tim was nervous by this point at knowing I was taking the FULL day OFF and the girls were wired! The big girls couldn't wait to show me their surprises...and honestly I couldn't wait to open the questioners sent home from the school. In which I will post! --G said over and over just how much she loved to hang out with me and how I am fun! I will take it...hopefully that will last well into adulthood :) AJ's was premade by her teacher, but her handprint so tiny on the back brought a tear to my eye. I mean I see her hands everyday. I wipe those tiny little hands clean. I have smacked those tiny little hands away from danger. I have kissed boo boo after boo boo on those little fingers. YET for some reason seeing it permanently in ink on the back of this piece of paper really filled me with anxiety of her growing up and for a moment I flash forwarded to looking at this 10 even 20 years from now! I know I know! As mommies we really try to never EVER fast forward...but as mommies to girls we just can't help but wonder and hope that their hearts and lives will be stronger and better than our own when THEY become women.
Some days late at night I get WAY WAY over emotional and stop to ask myself and God "Am I doing this right?". Trust me it is not everyday that myself or God want to answer that question for fear of what the answer really may be on that day, but I get the answers in moments like Mother's Day morning and in the moments I watch my girlies make good and informed choices for themselves...even if the choice is drinking water over soda...I know it's because I taught them...and they paid attention and took it with them. I hope they know that I love them and I always will...No matter what they spill on the couch!
I guess all of this comes up now because for those of you who know my personal life you know that I am under attack as a mother from time to time. Not that I am 'getting' in trouble as a mother. But that their dad is not around often and the stress of his choices and his absence is sometimes taken out on me. There are other people whom question what I am doing and how it affects my ability to be a good mother and question choices I have made. Normally, I am an F* what people think or say...but these opinions I respect and look too when I am questioning myself. Needless to say I have done a lot of defending of my life! The biggest defense is my choice to live in the heart of Hollywood with three small girls in a small apartment! Well, that is simple! The choice was made as a temporary solution and while I have been living there a few months longer than planned I would say in NO WAY is it a permanent choice of a home. As far as my location...it's Hollywood...we are by far NOT the only family living here...or on my street...or in my building! Hollygirls love it there. Yes, sometimes there are requests to go back to our BIG FAT house in Portland area, but really what they miss is Daddy. I can't give them that house back, nor can I alone give them Daddy back.
YES! I have a blog dedicated to our time in Hollywood. YES! I tease that it smells like pee. YES! Parking is a SOB most nights of the week. YES! I have too many tickets to pay before my ass gets towed! YES! I will move...sooner than later. BUT...NO WAY will I allow anyone to tell me anymore that I am NOT a good mom because of my choice to be here with them. We have had a good time. We have grown as a house full of ladies. We have had fun together and I hope to still say that as I am moving out of that apartment and in those 10 or 20 years from now looking back on this time with them. Some of the most difficult times in my life have happened in this building/apartment. I have had my heart saved and broken to pieces here! I have taught a baby to walk and talk here! I have danced and sang with my girls here! I have argued and fought here! I have learned about me,about life, and about motherhood here! I am learning about the strength and character of the human spirit here! The girls are learning about their mother here! I pray that what they will take away from this is the love I have given them and the faith I have had in dreams. My dreams and their own.
So you have stuck with me this long--let me just give a big thanks to Tim for my Mother's Day and everyday that he is here to help me and the girls. He has his family back home that need him everyday, but he is here. Maybe because he believes in me? Maybe because he thinks I would fail alone? Maybe his love for the girls? Maybe his dedicated spirit? Maybe his own desires to follow his heart here in this town? OR quite possibly all of the above! Either way I am most appreciate of him and hope to repay him someday for all that he has given me...even when it's just been a nap!
Also, I know I have never named the HollyGirls for you. I think it is time to do that. There was no real intention behind that in the beginning. I do like my privacy and all, but you should know that in true HollyMommy style all of the lovely ladies are named after great Hollywood stars.And in strange ways have totally adapted to their namesakes and are very proud to be named after Hollywood royalty...but with a twist each time. Well, except AJ...can't really mess with the name that much...don't think I didn't try.
So the naming and stories of HollyBabies to come :) Sorry for the late post...I guess this one never went live!
Some days late at night I get WAY WAY over emotional and stop to ask myself and God "Am I doing this right?". Trust me it is not everyday that myself or God want to answer that question for fear of what the answer really may be on that day, but I get the answers in moments like Mother's Day morning and in the moments I watch my girlies make good and informed choices for themselves...even if the choice is drinking water over soda...I know it's because I taught them...and they paid attention and took it with them. I hope they know that I love them and I always will...No matter what they spill on the couch!
I guess all of this comes up now because for those of you who know my personal life you know that I am under attack as a mother from time to time. Not that I am 'getting' in trouble as a mother. But that their dad is not around often and the stress of his choices and his absence is sometimes taken out on me. There are other people whom question what I am doing and how it affects my ability to be a good mother and question choices I have made. Normally, I am an F* what people think or say...but these opinions I respect and look too when I am questioning myself. Needless to say I have done a lot of defending of my life! The biggest defense is my choice to live in the heart of Hollywood with three small girls in a small apartment! Well, that is simple! The choice was made as a temporary solution and while I have been living there a few months longer than planned I would say in NO WAY is it a permanent choice of a home. As far as my location...it's Hollywood...we are by far NOT the only family living here...or on my street...or in my building! Hollygirls love it there. Yes, sometimes there are requests to go back to our BIG FAT house in Portland area, but really what they miss is Daddy. I can't give them that house back, nor can I alone give them Daddy back.
YES! I have a blog dedicated to our time in Hollywood. YES! I tease that it smells like pee. YES! Parking is a SOB most nights of the week. YES! I have too many tickets to pay before my ass gets towed! YES! I will move...sooner than later. BUT...NO WAY will I allow anyone to tell me anymore that I am NOT a good mom because of my choice to be here with them. We have had a good time. We have grown as a house full of ladies. We have had fun together and I hope to still say that as I am moving out of that apartment and in those 10 or 20 years from now looking back on this time with them. Some of the most difficult times in my life have happened in this building/apartment. I have had my heart saved and broken to pieces here! I have taught a baby to walk and talk here! I have danced and sang with my girls here! I have argued and fought here! I have learned about me,about life, and about motherhood here! I am learning about the strength and character of the human spirit here! The girls are learning about their mother here! I pray that what they will take away from this is the love I have given them and the faith I have had in dreams. My dreams and their own.
So you have stuck with me this long--let me just give a big thanks to Tim for my Mother's Day and everyday that he is here to help me and the girls. He has his family back home that need him everyday, but he is here. Maybe because he believes in me? Maybe because he thinks I would fail alone? Maybe his love for the girls? Maybe his dedicated spirit? Maybe his own desires to follow his heart here in this town? OR quite possibly all of the above! Either way I am most appreciate of him and hope to repay him someday for all that he has given me...even when it's just been a nap!
Also, I know I have never named the HollyGirls for you. I think it is time to do that. There was no real intention behind that in the beginning. I do like my privacy and all, but you should know that in true HollyMommy style all of the lovely ladies are named after great Hollywood stars.And in strange ways have totally adapted to their namesakes and are very proud to be named after Hollywood royalty...but with a twist each time. Well, except AJ...can't really mess with the name that much...don't think I didn't try.
So the naming and stories of HollyBabies to come :) Sorry for the late post...I guess this one never went live!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)